Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: Looks like it's time to play everyone's favorite game!— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 31, 2018
Kids: *clapping and cheering excitedly*
Husband: No one wants to help you find your glasses.
5-year-old: Why do you always fly places?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 1, 2018
Me: People want to see me.
5: Not much. They send you back.
Every picture I have of my two-year-old is of him walking towards the camera asking if he can see the picture— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 31, 2018
Now that I have school-aged kids I like to play a little game with them called, “Where the fuck did all my good pens go?”— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) January 31, 2018
Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) February 1, 2018
Me: good job!
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES
Me: i’m proud of you
Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS
Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES
Me: wait what
The parenting books never warned me how much of my daughter’s toddler years would be spent waiting for her to finish this grilled cheese.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 2, 2018
Truly you’ve never lived until you’ve tried to drag an overtired 7 year old from a crowded restaurant while he squirms and yells “I AM CAESAR!!!!!!!”— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) January 30, 2018
Told my kid he'd be four on his birthday and he tried to negotiate it up to five.— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 1, 2018
Sure, being well-rested and having disposable income is nice, but parenting a smaller and more terrifying version of yourself is so rewarding.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 2, 2018
Welcome to parenthood.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 30, 2018
You now have to put a reminder to set an alarm to schedule an appointment you’ve been conveniently forgetting about for months.
Peekaboo was probably invented by a mom that was trying to wish the mess in her house away.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) January 29, 2018
Found my son's secret stash of candy. I walked over, and gave him a big hug. I've never felt this close to him before.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 31, 2018
I drive to the airport. I fly across the globe. I take a train to the coast. I sail to a deserted island. The journey takes 3 days. I sit by the peaceful shoreline. Then, suddenly, my 4yo appears to ask for a drink.— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 2, 2018
It’s fun to walk up to a fellow parent at drop-off and ask, sotto voce, “is everything... all right?” & watch their brain climb onto a chair trying to figure out which way to jump, guessing what secret or lie worked its way from their kid to your ear— Victor Brand (@recordedvoice) January 31, 2018
After presenting my son with a stack of gifts for his birthday, he responded with, "Is that it?" so yeah, parenthood is pretty rewarding.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 30, 2018
You just know some insufferable Facebook mom is posting pictures of the presents her kids got for Groundhog Day.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 2, 2018
My 3-year-old's asked me "Why?" so many times that I don't know what to believe anymore.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) January 30, 2018
Just heard my son shout OH YEAHHHH BOY! WOO HOOOOOO! from the bathroom and honest to god I do not want to know— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 1, 2018
You think American Ninja Warrior looks tough? Try making it through the obstacle course of backpacks, shoes and coats my kids leave in the doorway everyday.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 2, 2018