Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Before kids: Cocktails, club hopping & impromptu getaways— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 3, 2018
After kids: Coffee, laundry & urgent care
Some families decorate with throw pillows, my family decorates with throw piles of laundry.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 2, 2018
Good morning. It took me three hours to make my toddler wear pants.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 3, 2018
Coming this fall to NBC, “This Is Mine”, the heart-wrenching story of a toddler laying claim to things that are not his— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) April 3, 2018
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to let them in the car ever again after vacuuming it for two hours.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 2, 2018
“She poops too much.”— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 4, 2018
- my son’s review of his new baby sister
Child: I need help with my homework.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 3, 2018
Also the child: THAT’S NOT HOW YOU DO IT
Archaeologists haven’t been able to find the Fountain of Youth but any parent can tell them, it’s when the kids are asleep.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) April 4, 2018
Happy Finding Random Strands of Easter Grass around Your House Month, parents!— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) April 2, 2018
Buy your kid their first wrist watch if you want to know what time it is every ten seconds.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) April 3, 2018
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 6, 2018
That about sums up motherhood.
7yo: I like waking up early and hearing the birds chirp.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 3, 2018
Wife: If you wake up even earlier you can see the sun rise. It’s beautiful!
Me: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
I’ve reached the level of parenting where when my kids ask “what’s for dinner?” I just skip directly to the part where I tell them they’re going to have to eat it anyway.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 3, 2018
Sometimes I’ll throw in a food with my baby talk like “little cookie baby” or “special little pancake,” and realize it’s because I’m hungry.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 4, 2018
“I need a beer, you want one?”— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 1, 2018
- me helping my son with his Legos
Congratulations on becoming a father! I hope you can yell louder than loud headphones on your kids' ears.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 4, 2018
Every meal with my kids is 15 hours long.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 5, 2018
Life is full of tough choices, like should I buy groceries for my family or this wrinkle cream at Sephora that promises to change my life.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 3, 2018