Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My 9yo: If you didn't have the internet in college how did you learn anything?— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 12, 2018
Wheel of Fortune but the spot you land on determines what you'll be arguing about with your kids that morning. Today I got "Shoes."— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 10, 2018
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 9, 2018
Only some things are guaranteed in life; taxes, death, and a toddler who demands more french fries before even finishing the ones he has.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 11, 2018
It’s like dueling pianos, except it’s a 9yo on the piano and a 7yo on the kazoo and nobody would ever pay for this.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 11, 2018
I’m just typing this to look busy while my kid asks people if they want to play a board game.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 8, 2018
Me trying to make dinner for two kids and a newborn every night looks like an episode of Chopped, Super Nanny and Intervention rolled into one.— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) April 10, 2018
The acronym SAHM, pronounced correctly, sounds like one agonized wail lasting from around 3pm through sundown.— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) April 9, 2018
Sneak cauliflower in your cupcakes and black beans in your frosting if you're health conscious and also hate your kids.— Marl (@Marlebean) April 11, 2018
I’ve never related more to Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart than after trying to smuggle my kids’ old toys out of the house for donation.— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) April 12, 2018
Me: go get dressed *yells upstairs* AND CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 10, 2018
6: I just changed them yesterday!
Me: Yeah, you need to do it every day.
6: EVERY DAY?!?!
7: Calm down, she doesn’t mean like literally every day
Me: Actually that’s exactly what I mean
Is 7:43 AM too early for wine?
Me: “Don’t do that!”— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 11, 2018
My kid: “Sorry..”
Narrator: *But she wasn’t sorry, not one little bit*
Me: It snowed last night.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
[laying in bed]— MacgyveringMom (@MacgyveringM22) April 7, 2018
Husband: Good morning
Me: Good morning
All 3 children sitting on top of my head: Good morning!!
[Attempt 1] Come on kids, smile for the picture— The Dad (@thedad) April 9, 2018
[Attempt 3] Seriously kids, just stand still and smile
[Attempt 52] I just want one goddamn pic of you kids pretending to be happy to prove to everybody that we aren’t miserable
Good morning. My toddler just handed me a blank check from her sock drawer.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 9, 2018
My 4yo:— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 11, 2018
"I know sharing is caring, but I don't care."
Well, at least she's honest.
OTHER MOMS: i miss my kids while they're at school during the day— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 9, 2018
ME: by Monday morning I'm ready to launch my kids to school with one of those medieval catapult thingies
Parenthood has given me so many new skills, like knowing when someone is driving .5 miles over the speed limit down my street, for example.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 11, 2018
“But I just cooked dinner last night. Why do I have to do it again?”— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 9, 2018
~ Me, being Mom of the Year
Scientific studies prove that kids will take more time "picking a prize" than adults will spend deciding if they want to have kids.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 7, 2018
Me to my kid: I'm so happy you're happy, baby!— Meredith (@PerfectPending) April 12, 2018
Also me: Can you not be so loud and go be super happy somewhere else?