Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
“Change your underwear or you’re not allowed to wear cowboy boots” is a real thing I had to say to my toddler this morning.— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 8, 2018
My 8yo said I ruined his life. I’m so proud of myself because I didn’t expect to do that until he was at least 15.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 11, 2018
Welcome to parenthood.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2018
Hope you like hearing “THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT!” right after you just spent your life savings at the grocery store.
American Ninja Warrior, but for parents.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 8, 2018
Obstacles include: getting a straw into a juice pack on the first try and waking a teen for school in under 15 minutes.
Motherhood has made me a professional sigher.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 7, 2018
You know you’re old when you go to a concert and the lead singer’s banter includes, “How many babysitters were hired tonight?”— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 11, 2018
My 3-year-old called her corn dog a "hot dog sword" and now I'm never calling it anything else.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 10, 2018
I’d pour one out for all the potty training parents, but that would just make more clean-up and that wouldn’t help anyone.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) May 10, 2018
Had to draw a "The Flash" logo on our 4 year old's arm to cajole him into leaving the house today.— dadpression (@Dadpression) May 10, 2018
Me: Don't forget the most important part of baking cookies-— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 9, 2018
Son: Having fun!
Daughter: Putting some of the dough aside for when Mommy gets sad!
“Not right now.”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 9, 2018
- me, to my toddler 90,000 times a day
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2018
Being a parent teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, this morning my 7yo told me that I’m not as funny as I think I am.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 7, 2018
Parenthood is like boot camp for your dignity.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) May 8, 2018
Good morning. My 3 year old is throwing a tantrum because I went to the bathroom.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 10, 2018
In my experience when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 times by a small child.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 6, 2018
Thank goodness I got a minivan. Now there's an entire third row for extra garbage.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) May 8, 2018
Son: What's for dinner?— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 10, 2018
*He screams, starts hyperventilating, loses all control, begins to break from reality*
Son: (suddenly stops) Wait. Have I ever had fish?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 6, 2018
I wish I could turn down food as easily as my toddler does.— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) May 7, 2018