Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
— The Dad (@thedad) August 5, 2018
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[in car]
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 6, 2018
Husband: Why’s this guy in the minivan driving like a maniac?
9yo: Why’s Dad talking about himself in the 3rd person?
*observing my daughter in preschool*
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 6, 2018
Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen?
Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same.
Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?
Toddler: I help you.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 7, 2018
Me: Sure! What do you want to help wi-
Toddler: *Dumps entire silverware drawer out*
At the public pool with the kids; we’ve been here for 17 minutes and 247 shouts of “Mom, watch this!” long.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 8, 2018
me [trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing] *takes a sip from my #1 Dad mug*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 5, 2018
son *still waiting for me to pick him up after practice*
“If you love someone, set them free.”
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 7, 2018
*releases my children into the wild (or backyard, whatever)*
6-year-old: Mashed potatoes make me sad.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2018
Me: Why?
6: They should have been French fries.
Now I'm sad, too.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who wants to hear the original Macarena but you accidentally play the remix.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) August 7, 2018
*car's packed, kids are excited, everyone's ready to leave for a week at the beach*
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 7, 2018
*I plop onto couch*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Gonna stay home. I'm not really a joiner.
Wife:
Me: Have fun!
NEW MOM: *Knows exactly
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 5, 2018
how she is going to raise her
kids and what type of mom she
is going to be*
VETERAN MOM: *knows exactly
when she should re-hit the wine
store*
The best part of kids going back to school is I can play Fortnite again without getting killed so fast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 8, 2018
Amtrak conductor: "Ladies & Gentlemen, keep on your shoes. Parents, dress your children."
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) August 4, 2018
This woman knows the horrors of travel 😂
Welcome to parenting. You can catch up on sleep on the weekends.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 6, 2018
Just kidding, you’ll never feel well-rested for the rest of your life
Have kids so instead of love notes, your spouse can pass you a mouthful of chewed Cheetos and orange from your toddler to throw out the car window.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 9, 2018
“OK MOMMY IS GETTING IN THE SHOWER NOW PLEASE DON’T KILL EACH OTHER”
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) August 6, 2018
-My daily leap of faith
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
— TheAlexNevil: Likes Dogs, Cake, Reuniting Families (@TheAlexNevil) August 9, 2018
Starting to miss the kids after 3 days at grandma’s, so I put some syrup on my fingers and pressed them to the windows to make comfort handprints.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 9, 2018
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.