Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more.
Ah, morning: the sun is shining, the coffee's brewing, and your kids’ screen time for the day is still fresh enough that you haven’t started to feel guilty about it yet.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 12, 2018
You know you’ve gone full dad when you realize you are explaining how water towers work to an entire car full of kids who don’t care.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 14, 2018
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2018
Me: Slept in.
Having a pool in your backyard is great if you want your kids to spend the entire summer arguing over the same pair of goggles.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 13, 2018
Having kids is a fun experiment in seeing how quickly all of your favorite things can be destroyed.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 12, 2018
Childbirth classes should include useful parenting advice, like how to dispose of a kid's artwork in the outside trash bin only.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 16, 2018
Wife: *putting on makeup*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
4-year-old: Is that your Halloween costume?
4: You look like an angel.
I need to take notes.
*son getting out his math book*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 17, 2018
Him: Mom, can you help m-
I'm not gonna lie, I got extremely emotional while dropping off my little girl to preschool this week. I could barely get her to class. It's so hard to focus when I'm blinded by tears of joy.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) August 16, 2018
6: I WORKED SO HARD ON THAT AND SHE RUINED IT!!— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2018
Me: Sorry sweetie, but you know you couldn’t have kept it forever
6 [sobbing] WHY
Me: Well [checking email to see when school starts again] first of all, you made it out of bubbles...
Whenever I think I want another baby, I just picture a 3 year old shrieking like a barn owl because their sandwich is too “sandwichy” and I’m like nah, I’m good.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 14, 2018
The first thing I think every time my kid hits a new age is, “Oh, look at that, it didn’t get easier.”— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 12, 2018
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.— The Baron (@baronvonbike) August 17, 2018
I’ve created a monster.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 16, 2018
-me, realizing my kid’s just like me
7y.o: *puts toy in my pool bag*— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 17, 2018
Me: “I’m not carrying your things.”
7: “No, you’re not; your BAG is.”
me, after cleaning and vacuuming my car out— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 16, 2018
“I’m going to keep this clean and never eat in here again”
2 days later
“I’m driving a literal dumpster”
My kids saw a baby lizard. I jokingly said, "If you catch it, you can keep it as a pet."— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 13, 2018
They caught it.
Well, I finally figured out what was making the toy box smell like a rotting banana.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 14, 2018
Spoiler alert: It was a rotting banana.
My 2yo always says "you're the Mommy" to me with a slight sense of disbelief and I kind of don't blame him.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 16, 2018
Genie: You have three wishes.— Classy and Cussing (@DrunkAtThePTA) August 16, 2018
Me: You take over my duties today and I’ll count that as all three.
Genie 5 minutes later with eye bags, cellulite, a kid attached to the lamp and matted hair: This is bullshit.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one...that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) August 12, 2018