Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 21, 2018
Naked and Afraid, but it’s just parents getting out of the shower after leaving their kids unsupervised for a few minutes.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 20, 2018
Welcome to Parenthood:
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 22, 2018
Finishing thoughts, meals and R.E.M. cycles are a thing of the past now.
Kid #1: "I'm scared of monsters."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 19, 2018
*spend 45 min. hugging & comforting*
Kid #6:"I'm scared of monsters."
Me: "Eh, the cat'll get them. G’night!”
When you trying to get the diaper rash under control pic.twitter.com/6ZnyCHa2y8
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 23, 2018
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 23, 2018
My daughter is so sweet, today she held the door open and let in her brother, both dogs and 26 flies.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 20, 2018
Now that 7 is semi-literate, he no longer believes my “SHUH DA FA CUP” mug reads “My Favorite Word is Mommy”
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) August 23, 2018
Pictured: me cleaning the backseat of my car after taking my kids to the beach pic.twitter.com/q5zCVGJuZm
— The Dad (@thedad) August 20, 2018
My five year old calls getting kids meals at McDonald's "doing happy hour" so yeah I'm thinking this kid is definitely mine
— ErBear (@Rica_Bee) August 23, 2018
If you guys need anything, just get my 6yo to ask her grandma for it.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 20, 2018
Daytime parenting: strict screen time limits. 1hr only. Child must earn it.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 22, 2018
5am parenting (hands 4yo iPad): take this so I can sleep.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 21, 2018
The packaging says baby gate, but everybody knows it’s really a climbing wall for kids and a hurdle for adults.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 22, 2018
That part in Office Space where they destroy the printer, only it’s me going after my 2yo’s pack and play.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 22, 2018
Google history:
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) August 20, 2018
What do you wear to a pop concert
What do moms wear to a pop concert
Orthopedic inserts one day shipping
Daughter, whining: "There's nothing to drink."
— Dad Bits (@DadBits) August 20, 2018
Me: "We have apple juice, orange juice, milk and water."
Her, still whining: "There's nothing I want."
Me: "What do you want?"
Her: "Chocolate milk."
Me: "So, what you meant to say was, we're out of chocolate syrup."
Becoming a parent is a great way to find out how little patience you have.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 22, 2018
8YR OLD: dad, guess what? a swing broke on the playground at school
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) August 23, 2018
ME: so would you say it's 'off the chain'?
8: ok I'm just going to stop telling you things
Net worth: three Hatchimals, two Build a Bears and a tub full of Legos.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 21, 2018
Strike fear into the hearts of your children by telling them what you’re making for dinner.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 21, 2018
Kid: I’m hungry.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) August 23, 2018
Me: Hi, hungry. I’m mom.
Kid: That’s only funny when dad does it.
Wife: Maybe being the “cool dad” means not trying so hard.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2018
Me (Wearing a shirt that says Get Lit Fam) I totes agree, makes me salty when someone in the squad tries to front. Just keep it gucci bae.
It absolutely rules that baby trousers can all be pulled up in such a way as to make your infant son look like a Star Trek character whose utopian society hides a terrible secret. pic.twitter.com/kCL4frvrF6
— Seamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 24, 2018
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