Kids go back to school tomorrow, so of course I'm packing thoughtful, well-balanced lunches for the first and last time this year.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 26, 2018
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 30, 2018
Walk of shame then: Walking home the next morning in the outfit you went out in the night before.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 30, 2018
Walk of shame now: Walking your kid into the school because you were too late for drop-off.
Took my son to the zoo yesterday for the first time ever and I realized I hadn’t explained what a hippo was and he just kept asking to go back and see the tooth pig— The Dad (@thedad) August 30, 2018
Me Before Kids: My children will never have screen time— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) August 30, 2018
Me After Kids: Is there a way to strap this iPad directly to his face?
6-year-old: *gets dressed, brushes her teeth, and puts her shoes on by herself*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2018
Me: Wow. We're actually going to make it out the door on time today.
6: *takes her shoes off*
Sometimes I think I’m going to miss some of these days of parenthood & then I go wake my son up for school & he acts like a wild animal & I think, “nah, I’m good.”— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 29, 2018
[Explaining my fantasy football draft]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 29, 2018
Is this boring you?
Me: This is how I feel when you tell me about a video on Youtube.
Parenting is just dedicating your life to convincing little humans to do things they HATE doing.— Chaos Theory (@perfect_storm99) August 30, 2018
<Cleaning out my 5yo’s bed>— Morgan🦋 (@MAB1013) August 30, 2018
Found: clothes that should’ve been in the laundry, a takeout menu, 14 books, her diary, two jackets, a business card, and a walkie talkie.
I’m pitching Tiny Hoarders to TLC next week.
I played hide-n-seek with my daughters, but they never came to look for me. I gave up when my legs fell asleep from kneeling in a corner.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) August 27, 2018
"I FOUND YOU DADDY!"
No you didn't, I quit.
I told 2 to finish her sandwich if she wanted candy after dinner. When it was gone I gave her a sliced apple.— 5KidsAndABunny (@5KidsandaBunny) August 28, 2018
I asked if she was all done, thinking she forgot.
She replied "candy."
When the candy was finished I picked her up to find the sandwich, untouched, under her butt.
Forgot to post a picture to social media of my kids on their first day of school. Do they have to repeat the year now, or what happens?— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 28, 2018
I like to let my kid eat at his own pace, but this morning he spent 10 minutes just holding a muffin like he was the Statute of Liberty.— dadpression (@Dadpression) August 27, 2018
Teachers, when my kids go back to school with t-shirts that read “Mom Says I’m Your Problem Now,” just know I wasn’t a horrible person until I became a parent.— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) August 29, 2018
It’s really hard to explain to a 5 year old why there aren’t any actual strawberries as advertised on the cereal box without feeling like you’re in on the conspiracy.— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) August 30, 2018
7: (silently sneaks up behind me and taps me on the shoulder)— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 30, 2018
7: (whispers into my ear) Do not trust Siri. She doesn’t have eyes. (Walks away)
Who needs scary movies when you can just have kids?