Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Kid: Mom, look at all the candy wrappers in the trash can. Do you think someone broke in and ate the candy you bought for Halloween?— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 18, 2018
Didn’t bring a powerful enough DSLR camera to the pumpkin patch and now all the other parents are looking at me like I’m an unfit father.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 13, 2018
Whoever invented the term “goodnight” clearly was not a parent.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) October 15, 2018
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 16, 2018
I wish I could take a 12 minute power nap in the middle of the afternoon then effortlessly stay awake 6 hours past my bedtime like my kid.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2018
It’s only 7:30am, & I already had to yell, “Stop microwaving slime!” in case you wondered how my Friday is going.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 19, 2018
Welcome to parenting, now all of your hoodies have spare napkins in them— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 15, 2018
Ah, October: when you order your kid’s Halloween costume early so they don’t sell out, then spend the rest of the month keeping them from wearing and ruining it before the 31st.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 14, 2018
Me: What do you want for a snack?— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 18 days (@XplodingUnicorn) October 17, 2018
Me: That's not a snack.
4: It is if you just make a little bit.
Our youngest said she is old enough to pour her own juice which is why I’m mopping up juice.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 18, 2018
Shoutout to everyone who bathed their child with baby wipes tonight instead of a bath ‘cause you were just too damn tired to deal with another thing.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) October 16, 2018
Y’all are my people.
When you’re a parent, any “relaxation time” you have is just you doing chores or running errands without your kids.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 14, 2018
If you need a reason to hate this younger generation, my son just said, “imagine if TVs were square”— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 17, 2018
Tonight, my four year old called us into the room so we could all hold hands. Then he told us he was the leader.— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 18, 2018
Women who are both stylish and mothers, what’s that like?— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) October 17, 2018
Just gave the performance of a lifetime of Let It Go.— 👻 Stay at Homies 👻 (@stayathomies) October 18, 2018
*Exhausted, sweaty but feeling like I nailed it*
Me: "What'd you think of mommy's sweet moves?"
3yo: "Mommy, your body moves weird." *Leaves room*
Me: *takes one of her drawings off the fridge & throws it in garbage.
First kid: oh no did you get an owie? poor baby let’s get you a band-aid— The Dad (@thedad) October 18, 2018
Second kid and beyond: don’t bother me unless there’s an elevators-opening-in-the-Shining amount of blood
Ok, FitBit - if you’re not going to count tantrum-holding my toddler up the street for 15 mins or wrestling him into his car seat as exercise, then I’m not going to count my daily breakfast of toddler bread crusts or my nightly extra glass of wine as calories, either.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 18, 2018
The preschoolers on this farm hayride are so adorable holding their tiny pumpkins and oh look someone’s kid just vomited in my lap.— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 18, 2018
Yes, I WILL miss this when they're older. But I fully reserve my right to bitch and complain right now.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 16, 2018