Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Just asked my 7 y.o. if I could be the person who chooses the hangman word and she said, “no. You already had your childhood.”— Dan Goor (@djgoor) October 22, 2018
On Mondays, I have a kitchen table.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 22, 2018
With each passing day, that kitchen table morphs into a filing cabinet, laundry basket, kids’ art gallery, school form graveyard, backpack holder, and garbage can.
This fuels my weekend rage-cleaning fury to restore my Monday kitchen table.
It was the best of times, it was the accidentally-pushed-the-elevator-button-before-offering-to-let-your-toddler-push-it of times.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 22, 2018
There’s nothing like waking up on Sunday morning, drinking your coffee & listening to your kid yell at Fortnite in the background.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 21, 2018
This is peace & quiet now.
This morning my toddler requested a “breakfast cookie.” Of course I shunned the idea publicly and then ate a cookie as soon she wasn’t looking.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 21, 2018
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 20, 2018
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Apparently it’s "against church policy" to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2018
Knowing your kids will come downstairs after bedtime is like waiting for the encore of a really shitty band like, “Oooh, I wonder if they’re gonna do ‘I need water’ or ‘I’m too hot’?”— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 23, 2018
As a kid I thought my mom was so dramatic because she never let us sit on the couch until it was upholstered in plastic but now that I have three kids I’m like “Wow, I get it and I’m gonna make plastic on furniture a thing again.”— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 23, 2018
My 4-year-old called ice cubes "water bricks," and now I'll never call them anything else.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 12 days (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2018
A panic room, but for quickly shoveling all my family’s clutter into when guests stop by unexpectedly.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 23, 2018
2yr old: I have to go potty.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 23, 2018
Me: (staring at soaking wet pants) Really? So soon after just going in your pants?
A fun thing about being a parent is trying to downplay your sleep needs to yourself like ‘I slept in for 30 minutes 6 days ago; I should be fine right now.’— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) October 25, 2018
8: I wish you could homeschool me— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 22, 2018
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 21, 2018
Things drunk me has in common with my toddler:— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 26, 2018
- can’t drive
- doesn’t know what day it is
- refuses to put on pants
- won’t shut up about dinosaurs
I just got out of the shower and my baby started screaming. I was confused until I realized he probably doesn’t recognize me with clean hair.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 24, 2018
"Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it" should be the slogan for parents of multiple kids.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 25, 2018
[Son's 1st day of school]— The Dad (@thedad) October 22, 2018
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Doctor: *handing me my baby* congratulations, she’s all yours— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 26, 2018
Me: I just take her home now? with no experience or guidance or certainty that I’m fit for the job?
Doctor: yep! LOL!