Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Just asked my 7 y.o. if I could be the person who chooses the hangman word and she said, “no. You already had your childhood.”
— Dan Goor (@djgoor) October 22, 2018
On Mondays, I have a kitchen table.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 22, 2018
With each passing day, that kitchen table morphs into a filing cabinet, laundry basket, kids’ art gallery, school form graveyard, backpack holder, and garbage can.
This fuels my weekend rage-cleaning fury to restore my Monday kitchen table.
It was the best of times, it was the accidentally-pushed-the-elevator-button-before-offering-to-let-your-toddler-push-it of times.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 22, 2018
There’s nothing like waking up on Sunday morning, drinking your coffee & listening to your kid yell at Fortnite in the background.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 21, 2018
This is peace & quiet now.
This morning my toddler requested a “breakfast cookie.” Of course I shunned the idea publicly and then ate a cookie as soon she wasn’t looking.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 21, 2018
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 20, 2018
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Apparently it’s "against church policy" to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2018
Knowing your kids will come downstairs after bedtime is like waiting for the encore of a really shitty band like, “Oooh, I wonder if they’re gonna do ‘I need water’ or ‘I’m too hot’?”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 23, 2018
As a kid I thought my mom was so dramatic because she never let us sit on the couch until it was upholstered in plastic but now that I have three kids I’m like “Wow, I get it and I’m gonna make plastic on furniture a thing again.”
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 23, 2018
My 4-year-old called ice cubes "water bricks," and now I'll never call them anything else.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 12 days (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2018
A panic room, but for quickly shoveling all my family’s clutter into when guests stop by unexpectedly.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 23, 2018
2yr old: I have to go potty.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 23, 2018
Me: (staring at soaking wet pants) Really? So soon after just going in your pants?
A fun thing about being a parent is trying to downplay your sleep needs to yourself like ‘I slept in for 30 minutes 6 days ago; I should be fine right now.’
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) October 25, 2018
8: I wish you could homeschool me
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 22, 2018
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 21, 2018
Things drunk me has in common with my toddler:
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 26, 2018
- can’t drive
- doesn’t know what day it is
- refuses to put on pants
- won’t shut up about dinosaurs
I just got out of the shower and my baby started screaming. I was confused until I realized he probably doesn’t recognize me with clean hair.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 24, 2018
"Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it" should be the slogan for parents of multiple kids.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 25, 2018
[Son's 1st day of school]
— The Dad (@thedad) October 22, 2018
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Doctor: *handing me my baby* congratulations, she’s all yours
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 26, 2018
Me: I just take her home now? with no experience or guidance or certainty that I’m fit for the job?
Doctor: yep! LOL!
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.