Halloweaning: Eating candy from your child’s trick-or-treat stash in a slow, gradual fashion so they don’t notice its disappearance.— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 1, 2018
my son's awfully confident for someone who's thrice tried eating potpourri thinking it was a fancy snack— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 31, 2018
I don't have to worry about my kids TP'ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 31, 2018
Husband, chortling while sitting comfortably in a chair all by himself and shoving his phone in my face: Look at this funny video.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) October 27, 2018
Me, dodging millions of inane questions and requests from a 2 and 3 year old who are somehow simultaneously sitting beside and atop me: Wow, cool.
Convinced my toddler there’s a game called “Put Daddy to Bed” where she pretends to put me to bed and I sleep. That’s probably my proudest accomplishment as a parent.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 27, 2018
We’ll be there in 30 minutes. Or 6 days if my 3 year old wants to buckle her own seatbelt.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) October 28, 2018
If I’d known people would pay good money just to enter houses full of scary sounds and loud screaming, I would have had kids a lot sooner.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 28, 2018
The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 28, 2018
Random guy: *honks at me for taking too long to pull out of my parking space* MOVE YOUR CAR, LADY!— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 31, 2018
My 4-year-old: *rolls down her window* HEY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL MY MOM WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT HER KID!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.— Micah (@ParentalGrit) October 29, 2018
When my kids get home from school I bet they're going to have a hard time finding me under all these candy wrappers.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 1, 2018
The opening scene in Blade except it’s my kids with a bottle of syrup dancing to the techno remix of Baby Shark.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 27, 2018
So, you ate the last Pop Tart.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 29, 2018
A) throw the box away
B) put the empty box back in the cupboard.
If you answered B) - Congratulations! You could be one of my kids!!
I thought I was a patient person, until I let my daughter pick the Word font she wanted for her school project.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 28, 2018
47 fonts later, we're now arguing over Wingdings, and there's no end in sight.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 31, 2018
Parenting in the fall: pumpkin patches, finding costumes, corn mazes, hayrides, carving pumpkins, trunk-or-treat, trick-or-treat, school parades, haunted houses, collapsing in exhaustion, wishing you were dead.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 28, 2018
Raising a toddler isn't like raising a dog. It's like being a dog. You're always sniffing butts.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 28, 2018
My 6yo daughter was playing with Barbies and having one of them sing, “If I get married, I’ll be sooo pissed.” And this is my new favorite song.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 29, 2018
happy halloween from a mom who’s currently sorting through her child’s candy for “safety reasons” and removing any “suspicious” candy so she can “put it in the trash”— Ashley Simpo (@ashleysimpo) November 1, 2018
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 28, 2018
Friend: how’s things?— The Dad (@thedad) November 1, 2018
Me, gesturing back at the car where my kids are screaming so loud that the alarm sounds: not good
When I don’t feel like babysitting for my friends I casually mention the box of 500 kazoos I just received from Amazon.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 30, 2018