Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me, at dinner: “Who wants another helping?”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 8, 2018
7y.o, *whispers*: “None of this dinner is helping me.”
Welcome to parenthood. Please choose where you'd like your child's acorn collection to be located:— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 3, 2018
A. On your living room floor
B. Buried in their bedsheets
C. In your bathtub
children’s laughter is beautiful unless you’ve already put them to bed.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) November 9, 2018
4: I want slime— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) November 6, 2018
ME: You can’t have it.
4: I WILL BE CAREFUL!
ME: That’s what you said last time
4: I WAS...
ME: You put it in your sister’s hair
“Well I mean, he is a classic Scorpio.”— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 9, 2018
-me, grasping at straws at parent-teacher conferences
If you’re looking be a referee before 8am, you should definitely have kids.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 8, 2018
Me: Did you miss me while you were at Grandma’s house?— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2018
6-year-old: She let us make cookies.
Me: I missed you.
6: We ate them for breakfast.
So that’s a no.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.— The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) November 7, 2018
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My 10yo said something by mistake and promptly followed it by saying, “Delete, Delete, Delete,” and I’ve never related to anything more.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 7, 2018
I get that it’s only an hour and that the time changes every fall but if you have kids it feels like a million O’clock right now.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 5, 2018
friend wrote a Facebook tribute for her son’s 2nd birthday where she called him “an explorer” and I’m like calm down Trisha all toddlers love sticking their hands in toilets, Greyson is no exception— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 8, 2018
Kids: *Fighting, screaming.*— Heather is a hot mess (@h0tmessmama) November 3, 2018
Me, screaming: WE DO NOT SCREAM IN THIS HOUSE!
I’m not so much of a “doing my best” type of parent, as much as I am a “exceptionally half-assed and proud of it” type of parent.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) November 5, 2018
Me, after my 2yo has spent the last 10 minutes "styling" my hair: Oh thank you, I feel so beautiful!— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 8, 2018
My 2yo: You're not.
My method of helping my 7yo with homework is to repeat the same question she's stuck on with increasing volume.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 8, 2018
"Tim has 5 apples. Jill has 8 more than Tim. How many apples does Jill have?"
"TIM HAS 5 APPLES. JILL HAS 8 MORE. HOW. MANY. DOES. SHE. HAVE?"
Me: When I was pregnant I had an app that told me what size fruit you were every week.— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) November 3, 2018
8: Oh. Now I’m probably the size of 868 blueberries.
My kids are each responsible for dinner 1 night/week now. I'm looking forward to a lot of PBJ sandwiches, chicken nuggets and Capri-Suns!— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 9, 2018
My 9-year-old, who is supposed to be asleep, just came downstairs to pontificate about the evils of homework, and my husband stopped me from engaging him, saying “It’s too late to listen to you argue with little you.”— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 9, 2018
First time parent: “I really don’t like when you do that.”— Miss Frizzle 🕷 (@colleendespina) November 5, 2018
Second time parent: “YOU’RE BEING A DICK.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 4, 2018
I’ve stopped getting annoyed when my toddler *doesn’t* finish his meal and started getting annoyed when he actually does. I wanted the rest of that mac & cheese!— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 5, 2018
Parent Math:— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) November 8, 2018
If child A has 12 pairs of clean pants & child B has 12 pairs of clean pants, and they each wear one pair of pants per day, how many days will it take them to tell you they have no clean pants to wear?
Answer: 3 days