Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 13, 2018
If you're on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same youtube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel.— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 12, 2018
My 4yo asked why she couldn't see the moon. I explained the moon's placement in the sky and Earth rotation. Midway through my impromptu lecture, I heard her softly singing the finger family song. I stopped talking, she kept singing. I never answered her questions again.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) November 12, 2018
[Making macaroni and cheese]— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 13, 2018
5yo: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you VERY carefully pour this in?
5yo: *Just fucking waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding*
It’s like a Murder Mystery Dinner, except it’s my kids giving their individual accounts of how, why and when the toilet became permanently clogged.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 15, 2018
An extreme makeover show, but it’s just people’s cars before and after they have kids.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) November 16, 2018
9: I have a math test today.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 15, 2018
Me: Are you ready for it?
9: More like is it ready for me?
Me: Awesome! I bet you’ll get an A.
9: Probably not. I haven’t studied at all.
3-year-old: *face covered in frosting*— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 12, 2018
Me: Were you eating cake?
3: No. I just kissed it.
Someone should invent holiday dinnerware that sets itself on fire when the person eating from it starts to give unsolicited parenting advice or unsought political viewpoints.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) November 15, 2018
Son: Dad can you help me with this math homework ?— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) November 15, 2018
Me: Sure. I was in 7th grade once.
* a month later I’m paying a tutor 3 days a week. 2 days for my son and once a week for me.
So glad my kids have the day off tomorrow because I really miss hearing arguing between the hours of 8am to 3pm.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 12, 2018
Them: It’s important to teach our children that we expect progress, not perfection.— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) November 13, 2018
ME: *looking at teen* I’m proud of you for not calling anybody a butt crack so far today.
6yo: The carrots are working!— Kerry 🌺 (@whatbabytalk) November 15, 2018
- my son finding his shoes in a dark room.
“Oooh, since my toddler woke up early this morning he’ll go to bed early!”— Housewife'd AF (@PreggersAF) November 15, 2018
Narrator: her toddler, in fact, did not go to bed early.
No thanks, surround-sound systems. My kids have that covered.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 15, 2018
Wish my kids could get their shoes on with the same energy they have at 6am on the weekends.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) November 11, 2018
My son’s letter to Santa could more accurately be described as a list of demands.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) November 16, 2018
Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.”— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) November 15, 2018
Parenting is mainly just cleaning toothpaste off the bathroom sink.— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) November 16, 2018