Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
All parents want is to get through half a cup of coffee before someone starts crying about something ridiculous.— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) December 8, 2018
Friend: what’s it like having kids?— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 10, 2018
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
8yo: How come you only cook food that I hate?— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 13, 2018
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called “Meals Kids Hate”
8 [eyes widening] *whispers* I knew it!
Me: *holding baby* please, how I do stop the constant crying?— The Dad (@thedad) December 10, 2018
Doctor: Look, the baby is fine
Me *wiping tears* let's stay focused on me
Oh, 17 days until Christmas? So that makes 16 days until my daughter decides to write a brand-new Christmas list of what she "really" wants.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 9, 2018
(Bedtime)— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) December 12, 2018
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it's what I'm here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: .... Just go to sleep.
[making pigs in a blanket]— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2018
6-year-old: We can't call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
This holiday season, I wish you all the joy of my 9yo who received $25 in the mail from an aunt and danced around yelling “I’m rich!”— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 13, 2018
Me: I don’t know how I caught the boys’ cold.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 10, 2018
9yo: *wipes nose and mouth on kitchen dish towel*
Me: Ah, okay. Makes sense now.
The real Christmas miracle will be remembering where I’ve hidden all the presents.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 10, 2018
My son’s class drew names for Secret Santa and he got his own name, but didn’t tell anyone. Now he says he’s both giving and getting the gift of “not participating.”— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) December 12, 2018
*I pick up 4yo from preschool "too early". I'm alone.*— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) December 13, 2018
4yo: *cries* mommyyyy
*10 min pass*
4yo: I want mommyyyy
Right now my Christmas cards are just a cute reminder in a box of how optimistic I was when I though I'd have my sh*t together this year.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 13, 2018
Hey, on top of all the stress during the busiest month of the year don’t forget to dress up your kid next week for Grinch Day, Reindeer Day, Polar Express Day, Holly Day, and Cheer Day.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 12, 2018
My favorite Christmas tradition is to watch my kids annihilate all my ornaments one by one, as my left eye twitches to the tune of Mele Kalikimaka— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) December 10, 2018
How many peanut butter cookies is the appropriate serving size for second breakfast?— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) December 13, 2018
(Please say six.)
(Actually, make that seven.)
Me: No screen time. Three is too young.— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) December 10, 2018
Me on an airplane: More. Plug him in. Yes hi flight attendant, do these seats come with a Matrix neck-jack
My 4-year-old was distressed this morning when she learned that her “foot chin” is more commonly called “a heel.”— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 12, 2018
Kids: What’s for dinner?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 14, 2018
Me: Tonight we're having ribeyes with a coffee and cocoa rub, garlic smashed potatoes and Parmesan-grilled corn.
Me: I'll make nuggets.