Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 30, 2018
A good reason to have kids is to always have someone that can point out your physical flaws while waiting in a checkout line.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 3, 2019
If you didn't lay hands upon your child's head and ask that they reveal the names of their demons, did you even Winter Break?— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 3, 2019
Me: “Whose bra is that?”— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 30, 2018
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 29, 2018
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
A kid at daycare had lice and my wife is now a tea tree oil version of Rambo.— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 4, 2019
I asked my kids if they had any resolutions for the new year, and my daughter said she wanted to “eat Nutella every day.”— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 31, 2018
Yeah, she’s definitely mine.
Childless friend: Dude our cat is so destructive. It’s gonna ruin our couch someday— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2018
Me pulling a bag of flour and shattered iPad out of the dryer: Oh wow sorry to hear that man
My New Year’s Eve plans can best be described as “hope to be awake until at least 10pm.”— 🎄Sarcastic Mommy🎄 (@sarcasticmommy4) December 31, 2018
I wish I needed anything as badly as my kids need all of my attention the second I lock the bathroom door.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2019
List of things my kids are willing to eat:— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 3, 2019
asked my son what his favorite part of aquaman was & he said “the part with the water” so maybe it’s time we reevaluate common core— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 3, 2019
Just yelled “FINISH YOUR DINNER - THIS SALAD MIX WASN’T ON SALE!”— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 3, 2019
So far nothing there’s new in 2019.
*hides toy for child to find in her pack n’ play.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 2, 2019
**adds Animal Enrichment Specialist to resumé.
An educational thing I like to do when I go to an aquarium with my kids is to point out the fish that are most delicious.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 4, 2019
People say “your kids don’t need a perfect mom, they need a happy one.” And I’m like “well shit, maybe they shouldn’t wake me up 3 times a night if they want a happy mom.”— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) January 4, 2019
My 11yo just asked me for some alcohol and a syringe and honestly that’s not even the most alarming request she’s made so far this week.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) December 30, 2018
My eldest child googled me today. I write to you all from beyond the grave.— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) January 4, 2019
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) January 3, 2019
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
The scene in Bird Box where Malorie feeds her kids Pop Tarts as their serving of fruit for the day is every mom who has run out of shits to give by 5pm.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) December 31, 2018