Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Let's get married & have kids so instead of watching TV Sunday night you can research Plymouth Rock while I go buy a tri-fold poster board.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2019
The most impressive thing about having parented 4 children is the number of songs you’ve made up about pooping.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 13, 2019
The funny thing about being a parent is when you go out, people asks where your child is— Elderly Millenial (@IModelontheWknd) January 13, 2019
I just started telling people he’s out back shooting dice
I live in fear of the things I may have agreed to while absent-mindedly saying “uh-huh” to my kids.— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 12, 2019
If you have 17 screens to watch in your house and you enjoy listening to people fight over one of them, then parenting is right for you.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 13, 2019
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 15, 2019
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 15, 2019
I’ve never vacationed alone but I did get to go to the grocery store without my kids one time.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 15, 2019
My daughter, who I grew from scratch in my own body, saw me wearing my new boots and said, "No. Hideous. Either they go, or I go."— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 14, 2019
Don't pressure me. I'm still deciding.
3yo: *chucks meatloaf across the table and hits me in the forehead*— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 15, 2019
Me, serious face: That’s not acceptable, we don’t throw food.
3yo: *big grin*
Me, VERY serious face: Nope, nobody is impressed. Don’t do that.
Me: *texting wife under the table* THAT WAS HELLA IMPRESSIVE THO
Sometimes your kid loses a tooth right before bedtime and the tooth fairy has to decide whether she’s gonna be delayed a day or leave a mind blowing 20 dollar bill because she can't make change— The Dad (@thedad) January 17, 2019
“Chopped” with all-kid panel of judges:— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 15, 2019
KID 1: [starts crying] ALL THE FOODS ARE TOUCHING
KID 2: [dumps food on floor] i wanted it on the blue plate
KID 3: [whispers] too spicy *spits it out*
*8yo pauses video game, takes sip of juice box, finishes bowl of chips*— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 17, 2019
8yo: Dad, can I have more?
Me: Not right now.
8yo: You never let me have anything!
*storms into bedroom, kicks off sneakers, turns on Death Star lamp, picks up iPad, puts on headphones, lies on bed*
Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what's for dinner.— Little Miss Angry (@LittleMissAngr1) January 16, 2019
I never underestimate my preschooler’s ability to ask “why” and then condescendingly disagree with my answer.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 18, 2019
When my 3yo smiled when being given the spoon to mix the ingredients, I thought to myself, “Why don’t we do this more often?” When he sneezed directly into the mixture, I was reminded why we don’t do this.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 17, 2019
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 14, 2019
6-year-old: Make a wish.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2019
Me: I wish you'd go to bed.
6: Make a better wish.
Me: I wish you'd go to bed fast.
6: This is why grown-ups don't get wishes.
Recipe for Inevitable Toddler Meltdown— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) January 16, 2019
2 parts missed nap
1 part wrong cup color
1 part “lost” whistle
A dash of dead iPad
Marinate until 4pm
Serve inconsolable until bedtime
People find moms with foul mouths endearing, right?— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) January 15, 2019
You better fucking say yes.