Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Welcome to parenthood. Everyone’s hungry, just not for that.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 19, 2019
5y/o and I made cupcakes. After handing one to his dad he said, condescendingly "Here's yours, daddy. Don't eat the paper part."
— Adventures In Babyshitting (@KMoFlo_official) February 18, 2019
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing parents that if their kids were super active during the day they would get really tired and go to bed earlier than normal.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) February 17, 2019
Being a parent is finding a way to provide rich, full lives for your children while being perpetually broke and exhausted because of them.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 18, 2019
Today my husband and I mourn for the days before we had children. Vacations, late night drinking, even hangovers. It's been 4 years. May we never forget.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) February 18, 2019
Oh, and happy birthday to my 4yo daughter. Whateves.
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 20, 2019
It’s too bad Oscar nominations have already been announced because my son gave quite the “I’m sick I can’t go to school” performance of his life this morning.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 19, 2019
Good morning, parents. By the time you finish reading this, your child will have developed a weird new food hang-up. Have a nice day.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 18, 2019
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of individually decorating each room, the entire house can look like a daycare that was looted.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 17, 2019
In case you're wondering if kids do mimic parents, my kid picked up her toy laptop, said she was looking for bathing suits, and after a few minutes closed it and said she couldn't find anything she liked.
— Steph Garcia (@mostephlove) February 18, 2019
9y.o: “Can we watch this movie again?”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 17, 2019
Me: “No- you’ve watched it like every single day!”
9: “Yeah, but you drink coffee every single day & it brings YOU joy, so...”
A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 21, 2019
*looks at 4 children*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 20, 2019
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I didn’t know why they were called throw pillows until I had kids, now I realize it’s because kids throw those little fuckers all over the place.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 19, 2019
I just want my kids to have a childhood where they play and explore and experience the world around them somewhere on the other side of the house while I take a nap.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 21, 2019
Welcome to parenthood. When your child says they want to watch a show, they mean they want to talk over that show.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 20, 2019
You know you have young kids when you say "beep beep" to other adults instead of “excuse me” to exit an elevator.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 21, 2019
Angry about losing video privileges, my 7yo texted me from his tablet that he is "having a bad life with me." In case you're wondering how parenting is going.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) February 20, 2019
Wife: We should child-proof the house
— The Dad (@thedad) February 22, 2019
Me: Yes! Wait till they go to school and then you lock the doors and I'll nail the windows shut
Prepare for parenthood by memorizing that scene in “The Devil Wears Prada” where Miranda asks Andy to go fetch her a T-Bone steak, & after Andy jumps through hoops to get it for her, Miranda sneers & says “What’s that? I don’t want that” while looking at her like she’s an idiot.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) February 18, 2019
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 22, 2019
Except Fortnite.
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