Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

If my family's love for me was measured in empty containers placed back in the fridge and cupboard, I'd be smothered by their &@$#€! love.

— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) December 3, 2014

3-year-old, dropping marbles on his head: "I’m just taking a shower with my balls.”

— Jeff Vrabel (@jeffvrabel) December 4, 2014

I don’t think anyone can remember life as a 3 year old. Case in point: My 3yo can't even remember I just told him to "Get down from there!"

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 24, 2014

"Now What!?" - A how to guide for parents of young kids

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) November 25, 2014

Sorry, I have kids so I won't be making it to anything, ever.

— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) December 3, 2014

If you had to hear your name repeated 3,457 times a day, you'd probably be crazy too.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) December 4, 2014

The only explanation for why I scheduled a doctor appointment and a dentist appointment for my son in the same week is that I hate myself.

— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) December 4, 2014

I'm chaperoning a 13-hour middle school chorus field trip today...

because I have a flexible work schedule and I hate myself.

— Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris) November 21, 2014

My toddler's pretty particular about which color apple she gets, for someone who's just going to make me peel the whole thing anyway.

— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) December 3, 2014

3 year old son to his 6 year old sister, "Why don't you have a penis?"
Her reply?
"Because when I was a baby I pushed it in."#whatthehell

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) December 3, 2014

Cleaning up the cookie crumbs around me like a crime scene.

— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) December 3, 2014

DAY 2: I've offered a $5 reward to whichever of the kids comes up with the remote.

So, it's come to this.

— Kat (@dixiedarlin_RN) December 3, 2014

Kids: because sometimes you just want bowel movements fully narrated.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 2, 2014

He peed in the toilet. I flushed it. He wants his pee back.

-Me, explaining to a friend on the phone why my 3 yo is screaming hysterically

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 3, 2014

Frozen (2013): parents shelter their two daughters. one becomes a wanted criminal the other dates every guy she meets. 102 minutes.

— paperwashￂﾩ (@PaperWash) December 4, 2014

I'd be annoyed by son running around w mistletoe & constantly forcing me to kiss him if it weren't the only action I'll be getting all month

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 2, 2014

School meeting tonight. The first order of business? A request for someone to punch me in the face if I ever sign up for another committee.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) December 2, 2014

I Saw Mommy Making Passive Aggressive Comments to Santa Claus.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) December 4, 2014

5yo brushed her teeth, went to the bathroom & I yelled, "REMEMBER WHEN I HAD TO DO ALL OF THAT FOR YOU? HIGH FIVES!"

— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) December 8, 2014

When you've got little ones, Saturday nights are so much f--

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

What was I saying?

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 23, 2014

Accidental co-sleeping is going to make my chiropractor a millionaire.

— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) November 24, 2014