Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
The irony of your child waking you up by screaming "Everything is Awesome!" over and over...— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 5, 2015
Were you woken by the sound of beautiful birdsong or a gentle kiss from someone you love? I was woken by 5yo shouting "CAN YOU WIPE MY BUM".
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 5, 2015
My coffee needs a coffee— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) March 2, 2015
I found gum in the washing machine this morning. Coincidentally, I know a 4yo looking for a new home.— brandik (@brandik) March 5, 2015
I keep my kids on a very strict routine of starting a new routine every day.— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) March 2, 2015
It always takes my son 20 minutes to find his shoes. Cause they're not on the tv, in his video game, that he won't shut off.— Court (@Discourt) March 2, 2015
I was ready for lunch at 10am. This getting up early is for the birds. And the babies, apparently.— Kerry Sparks (@Kerry_Sparks) March 3, 2015
Finished doing all the laundry & now there are 217 single unmatched socks left over.— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 2, 2015
A kid at school just asked me if there were cars when I was born.— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 2, 2015
Whatever. Me and my horse drawn carriage are outta here.
About 3x a month I regret not taking a photo of the wall that someone spray-painted "FUCK DIAPERS" on b/c now it's gone— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 2, 2015
*buys juice at Costco*— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) March 2, 2015
*lets kids drink juice*
*realizes that juice contains caffiene*
*kids don't sleep for a week*
*burns Costco down*
A good day as a parent is when you only want to give up five times instead of ten.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) March 2, 2015
Facebook, because you love hearing about everyone's sick kids.— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) March 2, 2015
[Dancing With Myself comes on]— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) March 3, 2015
5yo: I LOVE this song.
Me: Rad! It's Billy Idol.
5yo: I love all the songs by Biddy Idoh now.
I just sang the opening song to Thomas and friends completely from memory.— full metal mommy (@FullMetalMommy) March 3, 2015
That should really round out my resume.
I feel like we'd all be more excited about setting the clock one hour ahead if we just started doing it on Friday at 4pm.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 3, 2015
Babies are like little sharks: They try to eat everything, you really don't want to make them mad and they can't go backward.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 3, 2015
Whenever I hear footsteps I fear they are coming for me.— Stacey Gill Ink (@StaceyGillInk) March 5, 2015
And, by they I mean my kids.
Meeting up with moms from 7yo's school. So I need to shower, do my nails, and wax my brows. You know, the things I don't do for my husband.— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) March 5, 2015
You 'yook' so pwetty, Mummy! Are you goin' to a party?!— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) March 5, 2015
--my 3yo when I wear pants with a zipper
You tell your kids they need to wear boots. You show them the forecast. You point to the snow outside. You still somehow lose the argument.— Liz Gumbinner ﾟﾏﾳﾸﾏﾟﾌﾈ (@Mom101) March 2, 2015
That's not rain you're seeing in SE PA: it's the collective tears of parents who are dealing with early dismissals.— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) March 3, 2015