Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Good morning, parents! Or if you have a teething baby and live in the US, good extra daylight evening!

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 16, 2015

In an unfortunate turn of events, my daughter has decided to get ready for school on rollerblades.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) March 16, 2015

Daycare: "Her mouth is all blue. What did she have for breakfast?"
Me: "A marker."

— Lady E (@cakevans) March 18, 2015

My kids are mocking me because I've lost my voice.

I just changed the wifi password.

Who's laughing now?

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 20, 2015

How come when my kid pretends to be an animal he never pretends to be a housecat or a sloth and then quietly lies on the couch all day?

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 16, 2015

What's the opposite of break? I'm trying to think of a more appropriate name for spring break when you have kids.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 18, 2015

5yo: Daddy, is mommy the boss of you?
Me: NO
5yo: *confused look
Me:
5yo:
Me: Yes

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 18, 2015

I said to my 4 year old that he can take his time picking out one toy at Toys R Us.

We've been here since October.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 16, 2015

I wish these lawn care places that want me to care for my lawn offered free childcare so that then I would have time to care about my lawn.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) March 18, 2015

90% of modern parenting is keeping your kids away from your smartphone.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 18, 2015

It would be awesome if as adults we could lose our ever-lovin' mind if our sandwiches had crusts.

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 19, 2015

File this under things I never thought I'd Google: "Which episode of The Backyardigans is the Chichen Itza episode?"

— Experienced Bad Mom (@ExperBadMom) March 18, 2015

I don't care what my children grow up to be so long as they grow up to be not living in this house at age 32.

— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) March 19, 2015

As a parent, there's nothing better than getting ice cream without your kid.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 18, 2015

Toddlers are good at crushing goldfish into the carpet and my dreams into a bottle of wine.

— Court (@Discourt) March 18, 2015

My kids keep telling me my language is inappropriate, so I'd say I've done my job raising them pretty fucking well.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 18, 2015

I'm fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 20, 2015

So what if I have three kids?

I'm still going to party hard on St. Patrick's Day.

*drinks milk and watches "Finding Nemo"*

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2015

Parenting:
Me: "Time for bed"
Her: Falls on floor, begins tantrum...
Me: "This is how mommy feels at 3am"

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) March 18, 2015