Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

"Honey, I'll take the kids to school today if that's easi-"

[wife doesn't hear me, she's already headed to Starbucks, screaming "Sucker!"]

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 27, 2015

Me to baby: Say Dada!
Husband: You don't want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won't leave me alone. This one's yours.

— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) March 24, 2015

Does it make me a helicopter parent if I'm spinning around in circles all day and getting nowhere?

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 24, 2015

Don't have children if scraping dried Rice Krispies off of fucking everything isn't part of your 5-year plan.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) March 26, 2015

Me: Were you good at daycare?

4-year-old: What do you mean by "good?"

I'm raising a lawyer.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2015

It takes real gumption to stand your ground and refuse to back down. Which must be why my toddler peed on an open book at bedtime.

— full metal mommy (@FullMetalMommy) March 24, 2015

My Son's kindergarten teacher said my son lacks focus, so I started laughing really hard and said, "Did you catch Conan last night?"

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 26, 2015

My 5yo just asked "How did the first person take care of itself when it was just a baby?" WTF?! Solid question. Googling it now.

— Jeff Wild (@jiffywild) March 24, 2015

My husband comes back from a four-day business trip today.

*shoves kid in his face and runs away

— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) March 26, 2015

I'm the one who went through the misery of birthing you, so you should be the one giving me a present on this day every year, kid.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 24, 2015

Sometimes I forget my kids are at school and a panic washes over me while I try to assess why it's quiet and if I've left them somewhere.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) March 25, 2015

Does the Toothfairy offer her subcontractors disability? Last night I stubbed my toe doing her job and I'd like to file a claim.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 26, 2015

Having kids is like bringing a third wheel along on every date you'll ever have for the rest of your life. If that third wheel were a hyena.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 24, 2015

My kid bullshits his way through the alphabet.
He's ready for the real world.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 25, 2015

Friend: I'm pregnant! I'm so excited. I'm going to ask you for a ton of advice.
*It might be time to tell her I have no clue what I'm doing.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 25, 2015

"Edamame is made out of green beans and moms. Everybody knows that."
- My 7yo, who would probably really enjoy eating Soylent Green

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 25, 2015

My son hates to brush his teeth but loves to eat his boogers. Am I doing it wrong?

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2015

True love is peeling the skin off your child's hot dog and holding up her nightgown while she poops.

— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) March 26, 2015

Asked the five-year-old bed hog to *please* pick a side of the bed and he replied - with no irony - "I pick... the middle."

— Anna Sandler (@Anna_Sandler) March 26, 2015

"Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!" I sing softly to myself as I clean my house alone after everyone is asleep.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2015