Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
A kid is like an alarm clock that argues with you if you try to hit snooze.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 19, 2015
90% of breakfast is spent looking things up on Google for my kids.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 23, 2015
I referred to my 5-year-old's "oatmeal" as "cake" and suddenly she went from revolted to starving.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) April 21, 2015
If someone isn't yelling, crying or still showering, then are we really leaving for school?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 24, 2015
Hey, if you have 16 hours to spare, could you explain how rhyming works to my 3yo? It's barely 10:30 and I'm all tapped out today, folks.— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) April 21, 2015
My 3 year-old is tumbling off furniture and holding a lollipop-like she's training to fall down at a frat party without dropping her beer.— Carisa Miller (@mcarisa) April 17, 2015
A picture is worth ten-thousand words when a 3 year-old is telling you about it.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 17, 2015
"I'm Late!"— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) April 21, 2015
- Me, ever since I had kids
In honor of Earth Day, I'm throwing all my kids' drawings straight into the recycling bin.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) April 22, 2015
Going for a massage. Questions from the kids: "Do you go in a machine?" "Do they use their nails?" "Do they sing?"— Nichole Bernier (@NicholeBernier) April 21, 2015
Crying 3yo: "Every day, they keep saying it's not my birthday!"— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) April 21, 2015
My daughter just sneezed banana all over my shirt and it's exactly this kind of glamorous activity that keeps me coming back every day.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 22, 2015
I always get excited when someone tells me they're expecting their first child because misery loves company.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 22, 2015
Me: Radiation suits?— Rockﾟﾇﾺﾟﾇﾸ (@TheMichaelRock) April 22, 2015
Me: Hand sanitizer?
Me: Flame thrower?
Me: Alright, off to Chuck-E-Cheese!
SON: "Where should I put the lotion?"— Kim Holcomb (@kimholcomb) April 20, 2015
ME & HUSBAND, SIMULTANEOUSLY: "In the basket."
My kids just introduced themselves as "Let's Go" and "We're Late"— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 24, 2015
I remember when my first kid was a toddler and I cared if he had shoes on when he went outside and other crap like that.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 22, 2015
What I said: "We always wash our hands."— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) April 23, 2015
What I meant: "You are a 5-yr-old petri dish potentially harboring a disfiguring disease."
Currently in a stubborn standoff with the 5yo over a pink pig keychain and an iPad.— Dakota (@iTweetMedicated) April 21, 2015
I expect this to be resolved around 2027.
PSA: Kids will repeat the same story 10 days in a row & still expect you to act excited. May I suggest a local acting class.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 24, 2015