Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I know you two have only had 157 school days so far to get used to it, but, yes, we need to leave for school at the exact same time again.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 15, 2015
Wyatt: Make fart noises! Me:ￂﾠLet's just finish breakfast and see where the day takes us.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) May 11, 2015
The thing I like about having teens is the part where they act like they're adults & then ask for lunch money.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 13, 2015
Hard to keep up the 'Daddy knows everything' pretence when you score 3 out of 5 on the 4yo's homework.— Mark, Sonny & Luca (@sonnyandluca) May 14, 2015
I let my 7 year old make his lunch for the first time so it looks like he'll be enjoying some frozen chicken nuggets & an ice cream sandwich— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 15, 2015
[3yo screams in my ear]— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 13, 2015
3yo: Did that scare you?
[3yo jumps on my head]
3yo: Did that scare you?
Ok. I'm scared.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 11, 2015
We've entered the "kleptomania phase" of my 1.5-year-old's lifespan.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) May 14, 2015
3yo is done with preschool for the summer. 7yo has one more week. I just came here to say farewell. To my sanity.— Toulouse and Tonic (@toulouseNtonic) May 14, 2015
I'm stuck on the level of dad mode where I stand in front of all the grill brushes at Home Depot reading their Amazon reviews on my phone.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 15, 2015
"Don't worry, I'll just do it."— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 10, 2015
"Oooooooh Mom! You said a bad word! A BAD word! You're not supposed to say bad words!!"— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 13, 2015
Yes, folks. I admit it. I said "crap".
My kids, in a last-minute desperate attempt, tried to convince me that the dentist was located in Toys R Us.— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 11, 2015
I tend to ignore my problems until they go away. But this time they won't disappear or stop calling me Mommy.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 12, 2015
4-year-old daughter: A kid asked me to be his girlfriend.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2015
Me: What did you say?
4-year-old: No. I'm too busy drawing horses.
Me: Your daddy and I decided you're now old enough to watch "Pitch Perfect."— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) May 13, 2015
Daughter: I saw that like two years ago at a friend's house.
Being a parent of twin 5yos means finding a lot of dead bugs in the washer after I do their laundry.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 12, 2015
Can't remember:— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 13, 2015
but can recite every iPhone passcode you've ever had.
95% of parenting is just writing tweets in this joke format.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 12, 2015
..but I'm hungry
-a bedtime story
— Tenley Brooks (@ProudFFAalumni) May 11, 2015