Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
It's when my son yells at me that "the blueberries go IN the waffles, not ON the waffles!" that I realize he's not paying me nearly enough.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 2, 2015
Every time we drive by her school my 8yo shouts, "Hi school! I miss you!"— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2015
You probably can't hear her over me screaming, "I MISS YOU MORE."
I'm gonna get eyes tattooed on my eyelids so I can sleep all day and my kids will think I'm still watching them.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 30, 2015
93% of a parent's time at the pool is spent "watching this" and adjusting goggles.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2015
If you're done with it, throw it on the floor.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 1, 2015
"Does your family argue?"— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) July 1, 2015
"How do you feel about sand, sun and saltwater?"
-I hate them.
"Sucker! Welcome to your beach vacation."
A well-placed kick between the legs revealed what proved to be the last clue in the mystery of whether or not Dad is a superhero.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 29, 2015
My house is just a minefield of Hot Wheels and Barbie shoes.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 29, 2015
I think I may have just witnessed a miracle. My son unloaded the dishwasher without being asked.— Stacey Gill Ink (@StaceyGillInk) July 1, 2015
All my kids do is fight with each other and eat. It's like my Facebook feed in 3D.— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 29, 2015
3yo: "Daddy?"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 29, 2015
Me: "Yes, Bear?"
3yo: "Your BUTT is SO BIG it takes up the whole stairway. Look! I can't even walk around, it's so big!"
Hell hath no fury like a woman who thinks her phone is charging only to find one of her kids unplugged it.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2015
Have kids. It's fun.
Hey, that looks unsteady, uneven, and/or dangerous; I think I'll walk on it.— Terry (@terrycjt) June 28, 2015
- my 2 y/o daughter every waking second of her life
Grocery shopping with small children should be used as a form of torture to make hardened criminals crack.— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 1, 2015
5-year-old: She bit me!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2015
3-year-old: I had to! I'm a shark!
Me: Sorry, guys. I don't intervene in the food chain.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 1, 2015
Me (eating toddler's yarn spaghetti): YUM! Your restaurant is fabulous - I'm going to tell all my friends!— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) June 29, 2015
Toddler: WHAT friends?
I won't let my kids turn on the oven, but I will give them a sparkler and say, "Here, go wave this fire stick above your head for a while."— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2015
The time between a child being old enough to stay up late for the fireworks and being too old for lame family shit must be like 5 minutes.— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) June 30, 2015