And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 27 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you ask your spouse to hand you “that thingy” over there and they know exactly what that means.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 22, 2021
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) July 17, 2021
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[texting]— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 15, 2021
me: hey can you heat up the coffee on the stove?
wife: are you texting me from the bathroom?
me, texting from the bathroom: no
My husband just came home with a charcuterie board for his Cheetos and spray cheese and now I don’t know who he is anymore— Gia ❤️🦋🌸 (@Joyannah73) July 13, 2021
If you don’t make purchases on your personal credit card so your spouse doesn’t find out about them, are you even married?— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) July 23, 2021
Me: Hey honey, can you get me a refill on my coffee?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 16, 2021
Wife: Why, are your legs broken?
Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.
I want to spoon the rest of the queso out of the bowl with my finger but I also want my husband to still love me I’m so conflicted— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 15, 2021
At what hour of my husband’s nap can I report him as missing or dead?— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 23, 2021
My husband woke up and started a new project and he could have just told me he wanted to fight— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 20, 2021
Add a little pageantry to your love life by calling foreplay ‘the opening ceremonies’— Midge (@mxmclain) July 23, 2021
Flex on your wife by showing her how many pockets you have— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 22, 2021
My wife thinks I don't have a good sense of decorating style as if messy isn't a style.— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) July 27, 2021
Wife: You walked right over that Kleenex you dropped— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) July 17, 2021
Me: I was on the stairs
M: At my age I can’t just *stop* on the stairs. That’s suicide
Welcome to marriage, you will now have arguments with your spouse about how you don't communicate enough, just as you're fighting about something that was bothering them that they never told you about.— Just Heather 🖤 (@weedswildflowrs) July 16, 2021
My wife just asked me if I played well on the golf course today. Told her that question violates my HIPAA rights.— Geoff Schwartz (@geoffschwartz) July 24, 2021
I've decided to answer all my wife's questions with— SeeEyalLater (@EyalTweet) May 15, 2021
"Because I'm an idiot." It brings our interactions to an immediate and merciful end.
If you don’t look lovingly into each other’s eyes and practice saying Worcestershire sauce are you even married?— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 26, 2021
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 24, 2021
Me: Hola Papi.— evianescence (@callmeEvian) July 26, 2021
Him: I like it when you talk daddy to me.
Me: DON’T TOUCH THE DAMN THERMOSTAT!
My wife claims I keep wasting money,— Dad to the bone (@MirrorAdvice) July 25, 2021
but the baby will never learn to rollerblade unless we invest in the equipment.
Married life is just sending each other links to home appliances that we will never purchase.— Pakchu (@pakchari) July 25, 2021
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.— bacon popsicle 🥴 (@Gupton68) July 18, 2021
Just not with each other, obviously.
Married life is being able to tell your husband his after-drinking dragon-breath woke you up out of a dead-ass sleep.— Thom (@CorvusCorax77) July 26, 2021
Open and honest communication. Always. 🐉🐲😷
I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as It’s in the Hall Closet and its sequel Look Again.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 26, 2021