Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 30 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
When my wife says I can do something at my earliest convenience she means hers.
— Brimmer jokes (@craig_brimmer) July 10, 2021
My husband is outside watching a YouTube video on how to fix the lawn mower. I know this because the audio is playing on the Bluetooth speaker inside.
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) July 1, 2021
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 9, 2021
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Husbands like “I love her and want to spend time with her so I think I’ll go sit next to her while she’s watching a show she likes and tell her how stupid I think it is, she will love that.”
— Live Laugh Unhinged 🚮 (@kaL12578) July 8, 2021
We’re at a concert and they started doing the Star Spangled Banner and my husband gasped and whispered “this is my song!”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 3, 2021
When you tell your husband exactly where to find the thing he’s looking for, and he checks that place. pic.twitter.com/H9aCnqI7sX
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 3, 2021
I like to share every minutiae of my nighttime dreams with my husband so he knows who exactly he was sleeping next to all night.
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) July 7, 2021
Husband: We should work on being more honest with each other.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 9, 2021
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Husband: How long has the check engine light been on?
Game. Set. Match.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 6, 2021
[after 5 years of marriage]
— 🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊 (@professorkiosk) July 6, 2021
me: *looking at my husband from across the room* but does he 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 like me?
my husband keeps telling me i have too many clothes like a man who doesn’t want to be a husband anymore
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 10, 2021
I've been dieting and exercising and have now lost enough weight where I can now fit into my pants from high school!
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 30, 2021
[later]
Wife: Why are you in parachute pants.
My husband has picked up enough Spanish to be wrong in two languages.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) July 8, 2021
Me: I'm not a slave to peer pressure
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) July 6, 2021
Wife: you stopped using emojis because people called you old
Me:
Wife: why is your hair parted down the middle
Me: just don't
my husband broke a bottle of cologne in the master bathroom and now the whole house smells like burt reynolds in the 1970s
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) July 1, 2021
Husband: There’s a credit card charge for $200 to a store called Petacular.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 2, 2021
Do you know what that is?
*dog walks by in a Statue of Liberty costume*
Me: Nope.
i accidentally used my wife's shampoo this morning and now i can load the dishwasher correctly. this is bullshit
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 8, 2021
I think I might weep, my wife just said the nicest thing she’s ever said to me…
— Joe in Kanazawa (@KumaYama100) July 6, 2021
“Your bottom body is not that bad”
There is no bigger test of the strength of your relationship and patience than a week long trip at Disney World
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 9, 2021
Today I became aware of the fact that I’ve been married so long that my sexual fantasies now involve my spouse doing chores for me without prompting..
— Steve 🏳️🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) July 9, 2021
Of all my husbands personalities, the one that tolerates me is my favorite.
— Midge (@mxmclain) July 6, 2021
And, the one with the fireman costume
I agree with my husband about a lot of things but I'm not telling him, don't be absurd.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) July 7, 2021
I told my wife we could go out to eat absolutely anywhere she wanted.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2021
She chose a Mexican restaurant so she could order queso.
Girls don't want to be wined and dined. They just want to eat their body weight in cheese.
New Dateline Tonight:
— Shauna.. na 🏳️🌈 (@ForgetTheMoose) July 9, 2021
*walks in on husband cooking in her best skillet with a metal fork*
Keith Morrison: And then she snapped
My wife just called the referee “the judge” I can’t do this anymore man, wrap it up.
— Dotty (@TheDottyShow) July 7, 2021
My husband just said he doesn't think I really grasp the concept of mansplaining and so he mansplained it to me.
— katie rosman (@katierosman) July 5, 2021
80% of being married is telling your spouse which other TV you’ve seen this actor in.
— Ned Hartley (@NedHartley) June 5, 2021
My husband just said, "I haven't had a cantaloupe this good since 1990!" and I'm wondering what kind of man has a fruit memory that lasts decades.
— Elizabeth Picciuto 🌱 (@epicciuto) July 11, 2021
Thoughts and prayers to my husband who just said I was “over reacting.”
— Mummy Dear 🇨🇦 (@ThatMummyLife) July 3, 2021
Husband, to my son: hey buddy that’s a great drawing of a tree
— vision bored (@visionbored2) July 9, 2021
Me, drunk: I did that and it’s a camel
