And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 29 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 6, 2021
When your husband puts a bunch of your clothes that should have been air dried in the dryer you have two options: yell or open the Nordstrom app.— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 30, 2021
Marriage is just asking each other "is that a pimple on my back or a mole that will kill me?" back and forth until one of you dies.— Alice Clarke (@Alicedkc) October 27, 2021
My husband walked out the door & told me to have a good day like he doesn't even realize he's leaving me home with our children.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 26, 2021
We went to a party last night and immediately saw that every straight dude there had grown a mustache so they could be Ted Lasso for Halloween. My husband glanced around the room, sighed, and then whispered to me, “you win. I’m shaving the moment we get home.”— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 30, 2021
I caught my husband eating the last Reese’s candy. First of all, that’s our son’s candy. Second of all, I was going to eat that.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2021
My wife’s onlyfans is just videos of me loading the dishwasher wrong and the criticism that follows— Larrys Twin- Spreading love and other STDs (@LarrysTwin99) October 25, 2021
My husband asked me if our new hand towel was for decoration only. Is there an award? I feel like he should get an award.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 30, 2021
Wife was talking in her sleep so I asked her where she hid the Halloween Reese's, she said the basement, she was messing with me because they weren't there.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 29, 2021
Husband has an important zoom interview- *shaves, brushes teeth and puts on a nice shirt*— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) October 19, 2021
Husband approaching me for sex- *rocking the 5th day of a music festival appearance and odor*
My husband put back one pillow on the bed I had made and what I'm saying is the secret to a successful marriage is really, really low expectations.— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) October 29, 2021
if you really want to punish someone, marry them and make them live with you until one of you dies— Midge (@mxmclain) October 19, 2021
The wife doesn't buy me a birthday card every year but our car insurance agent does. She intercepts it and uses it as her card to me.— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) February 16, 2021
I wish I made this up.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) October 22, 2021
Me: I really need to fix the settings on my computer— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 19, 2021
Husband: You mean I need to fix the settings on your computer
Me: That’s what I said
They say women are delicate like a flower. My wife is delicate like a bomb.— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) October 10, 2021
Me: We need to buy a little bowl for the hermit crab our 3rd grader is bringing home from school.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) October 20, 2021
What my husband heard: Buy a 36 gallon tank complete with Hogwarts Castle.
My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 26, 2021
wife: you want to try these cheese crackers made from cauliflower?— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 21, 2021
me: [already on the phone with a divorce attorney]
every relationship has an “admin top,” which is the person who pays the bills and makes appointments— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 1, 2021
When my husband goes out of town on business, I put dirty clothes all over our bedroom floor and leave half empty water bottles everywhere so I feel close to him.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 28, 2021
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 25, 2021
My 4yo giggled and whispered to my husband, "all hope is lost," and tbh she plagiarized my wedding vows.— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 20, 2021
Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 24, 2021
My husband needs to lay off the roughage. He’s one brussels sprout away from divorce— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) October 25, 2021
Me: What's for dinner?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 28, 2021
Me: I mean, after the salad.
If sleep regression doesn’t kill you, your husband catching a small cold surely will— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 25, 2021
I brought the trash cans in from the curb 1 minute after the trash guys came— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) October 29, 2021
My wife: Wow you destroyed your old record of 22 hours