And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 29 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
If your AM phone alarm going off doesn’t upset your wife enough, make sure the PM one seals the deal— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 21, 2021
*sitting on the beach watching the sunset*— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 13, 2021
Husband: What are you thinking about beautiful?
Me: *thinking about pasta* ...Us
Once you have kids, every argument you have with your spouse becomes “DID YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE KIDS WERE ALSEEP TO DO THAT UNNECESSARILY LOUD THING?”— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 17, 2021
My husband just grabbed my hands and said “these are cold. I no longer have a use for you.”— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 20, 2021
Oh shit my wife just said “stay in your lane, girl” on a Zoom call so I’m just gonna go work in the bedroom for the next several hours— Coach Rusty (@rusty_coach) September 23, 2021
[wife on deathbed]— your other mom (@difficultpatty) September 13, 2021
Husband: I can’t find the ketchup.
hubby wanted to know what i did while he exercises so instead of confessing i scroll my phone and eat snacks i said i was writing a novel so now i eat snacks and scroll my phone with my laptop open next to me— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 16, 2021
Tip for husbands: next time your wife is roasting you about leaving laundry on the floor right beside the laundry basket, ask her about all the cotton balls and q-tips on the bathroom floor around the trash can— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) September 13, 2021
Let’s get married and have kids so we can be annoyed by little versions of ourselves for the rest of our lives.— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) September 16, 2021
My husband thought he was going to crop dust the people behind us.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 20, 2021
He didn’t know we were about to stop and look at something.
So yeah my whole family was just stuck in his stench in a well designed model room in IKEA.
I talk to my wife all the time about watching stuff and she will be like “we watched that two days ago.” I can only imagine when she is staring at me she’s thinking “wow, so your 30s is when the dementia starts.”— Sam (@mastrap84) September 23, 2021
When I’m angry with my wife I fold the towels in half instead of in thirds— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 20, 2021
Me: Everything's so beautiful after the first rain. It's all blurry, soft edges, even those two trees look like one giant tree...— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) September 20, 2021
Husband: You forgot your glasses again.
My wife asked if we could just donate money to our kid’s elementary school PTA instead of messing with the fundraiser, as if I needed another reminder I married the right lady.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 20, 2021
MY WIFE BROUGHT HOME TOASTED MARSHMALLOW FLAVORED HARD SELTZERS INSTEAD OF BEER AM I DEAD IS THIS HELL AM I DEAD— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 17, 2021
My husband decided to work from home today. My Friday is ruined.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 17, 2021
My wife just left for work in her slippers. She’ll be back.— Kevin's 10,000 hours (@AllHandsCook) September 21, 2021
15 years of marriage and last night I scared the living daylights out of my husband by getting into bed with him, so no you never really do get used to being married— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 19, 2021
Is it grounds for divorce if you’re on a road trip and your husband refuses to stop to get snacks? Yeah, I thought so.— Tiffany (@tiffany_pulfrey) September 17, 2021
My wife mentally screenshots everything I say into her memory.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 22, 2021
My husband just put barbecue sauce on his bagel. I’m gonna cry.— Exhausted Man (@brooke_elliot_) September 23, 2021
Me: The baby threw her potatoes all over the floor.— Lukulele ☀️ (@RaDadtouille) September 22, 2021
Me: And the dogs ran to get some but slipped in it and got it everywhere!
Me: Then I went off and had an affair.
Me: ...You’re reading about murder aren’t you?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 21, 2021
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Did you know if your husband doesn’t say “Looks like someone left all the lights on” while turning off the ONE light that was actually on, The Council of Husbands and Fathers will revoke his membership card— Mom Meh (@mommeh_dearest) September 21, 2021
My wife just informed me that she has already purchased my Christmas present for this year, which reminds me, I’ve gotta figure out what I’m doing for her birthday on Wednesday.— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) September 18, 2021