If you’re not married yet but plan to be, perhaps you’re wondering what it’s really like to be a husband or wife. What does a day in the life of a married person actually look like?
Allow the 29 tweets below to give you an accurate sneak peek of what lies ahead:
Before marriage - I can listen to you talk all day.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 22, 2018
After marriage - Get to the point, I have to pee.
If you’ve never dug a food label out of the trash to prove a point, are you even married?
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 15, 2018
I can’t be sure but either my husband’s snoring woke me up or the earth itself cracked in half.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 16, 2018
DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 19, 2018
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.
Wife: Want to go grocery shopping with me?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2018
Me: I'm kind of busy.
Wife:
Me: My schedule just opened up.
For every year of marriage, your wife will put on her pajama pants 20 minutes earlier.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2018
If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 15, 2018
I can now wear my 13 yr old son’s hoodies and all my other needs can be outsourced, so my husband has outlived his usefulness.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) February 22, 2018
It was when my wife handed me a can of Febreze through a cracked bathroom door that I knew the romance was still alive
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 18, 2018
Prayers for my husband who just saw me take a handful of Oreos out of the pantry and said, "I thought you were on a diet."
— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) February 20, 2018
Like a cat dropping a dead mouse at the doorstep, my husband leaves empty pop cans by the sink.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) February 2, 2018
My wife always says that I act like a baby when I’m sick but that’s only because she gets mad when she has to drive me around in the car to fall asleep.
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) February 22, 2018
We put a couch beside our treadmill so I can have somewhere to sit and eat chips while my husband does his little “workout.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 20, 2018
My wife looked at me longingly this morning, staring deeply, and said those words every person loves to hear:
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 22, 2018
"You have an eye booger."
Husband: Did you get the spinach I asked for?
— Mommy Thoughts (@momthoughts13) February 20, 2018
Me: Isn't it in that box?
H: These are doughnuts.
Me: Oh shit, must have mixed them up. Could have sworn I got spinach.
Husband:
Me: Ok, agree to disagree
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 21, 2018
Wife: No
It’s like my husband doesn’t even appreciate that I changed from my gross sweats into my good sweats before he got home.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 27, 2018
Wife: can you pick up milk?
— The Dad (@thedad) February 16, 2018
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. The fast food place got her order wrong and I didn’t check it.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 17, 2018
Sometimes asking your wife if she needs anything from Target is all the foreplay needed
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 15, 2018
My wife asked me to hand her the thing-a-ma jig and I gave her the remote control when it turns out she was asking for the phone charger and now she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
— fundy (@funderlaw) January 20, 2018
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 22, 2018
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My husband & I get along great as long as we don't talk about money, work, kids, where to eat, how much my makeup costs, why he's in the bathroom THAT long, etc.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 10, 2018
If the marriage vows had said “in sickness, health, and leaving the cereal box out with the bag open,” I’m not sure I would have agreed to them.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 17, 2018
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 17, 2018
Single: We do it like rabbits
— ERIC (eric) (@ericsshadow) November 14, 2017
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My husband still asks “what color Gatorade?” Like we are newlyweds.
— 🥨 10,000 Pretzels 🥨 (@MommaUnfiltered) February 11, 2018
Told the airline I had an emotional support husband and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) February 17, 2018
At some point in our marriage my husband decided it was acceptable to clean out his sinuses while washing his face.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) February 23, 2018
I let this happen.
Before You Go
