Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My kids understand that the most important part of any five-minute chore is the forty-five minutes they spend fighting over who's going to do it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2022
My son asked me if I even know what I’m doing and honestly I’m surprised it’s taken him 7 years to ask me this question.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 4, 2022
Parents make a big deal over their kid’s first step, and first tooth, and first word, but why not when they first learn to whisper?
— threetimedaddy 🇺🇦 (@threetimedaddy) September 4, 2022
My daughter just told me she really wants to see this movie with Maya Hawke’s dad and I cannot get over how easy it is for these kids to make me feel like I’m 1000 years old.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) September 3, 2022
My 4-year-old forgot the word microwave & called it a warm fridge instead.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 5, 2022
My kid carries around an emotional support squash named Gary. How’s your family doing?
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) September 5, 2022
Welcome to parenthood, if you don’t have applesauce or peanut butter on at least 6 surfaces in your home, they will be assigned to you shortly
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 6, 2022
my 7yo: birthdays are fun because of piñatas but they’re also not fun because it’s one year closer to being dead.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 5, 2022
me: do you want more breakfast
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 7, 2022
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
the worst sound in the world for a parent is when a toy box filled with small toys gets dumped. it angers me right now just thinking of the sound.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 8, 2022
Accidentally asked my coworker if they needed to go potty before a meeting
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 8, 2022
I have to find a new job now
Just confirmed with some friends: living with 9 and 10 year olds is like having a full-time “well, actually” twitter reply guy in your house
— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) September 4, 2022
My 6yr old son completed this maze in record time pic.twitter.com/CSZNkeqqNF
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) September 7, 2022
4 pm:
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 2, 2022
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:
12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I asked 5 if he learned anything at school today. He thought for a bit then said “I learned if I kick Theo again I need to make sure Mrs Cobb isn’t watching”
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 7, 2022
I thought I was doing a good job raising my son until he told me he doesn't like cheese anymore.
— Karen (@AntsyButterfly) September 8, 2022
It’s very rude of my wife to not tell me our 7YOs school dismissal time, for which both of us got multiple emails
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 8, 2022
I like to think of myself as a nurturing and tolerant dad, yet even I’m surprised by the number of times each day I find myself thinking “please just shut the fuck up for 5 minutes!”
— bacon popsicle 🤫 (@Gupton68) September 8, 2022
Me: Did you brush your teeth?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2022
8-year-old: I don't need to.
Me: Why not?
8: Yesterday, I brushed them twice.
The best remedy for any kid’s illness is to take them to a doctor and watch all the symptoms magically disappear right as the exam begins.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 7, 2022
My kids are fighting because my 11yo filled my 6yo's Minecraft house with cats. There's like 100 cats in the house and she can't get rid of them. As a parent I don't know how to handle this situation lol
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 4, 2022
It shouldn’t be called “going to the beach with kids” it should be called “transferring the beach to your house one carload at a time”
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 5, 2022
Just want to send a quick “go f*ck yourself” to whoever taught my 3-year-old the phrase “Was that the best you can do?” 💗
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) September 4, 2022
No one is as drunk with power as a toddler who's just learned to use a spoon.
— Mom With No Plan (@MomWithNoPlan) September 5, 2022
We were going to watch a TV show as a family but my kids are watching other kids on YouTube watch TV with their families.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 8, 2022
My son's teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn't know the kids have been home with us.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 5, 2022
Might fuck around and donate stuff for a craft to my kid's class. Just some random filters, a fan. Maybe some duct tape and an extension cord. Idk. Just regular art stuff
— Stephanie Wyeld (@steph_the_twit) September 5, 2022
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 3, 2022
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
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