The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or fewer.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
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I feel drunk with power when I go to delete an app and all the other apps quiver in fear
— m. dickson (@_mdickson) August 14, 2021
Being invited to plans I can’t make: oh well, maybe next time
— julia shiplett (@juliashiplett) August 17, 2021
Finding out about plans I wasn’t invited to but can’t make anyway: Hi I’d like to report a hate crime
Parents be like "i don't have a favorite child" then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
— YKTFV 🇬🇧 (@Gold_Apparels) August 19, 2021
Men go on a bachelor party and have fun. Women go on a bachelorette party and have jobs. Someone is coordinating group outfits, someone is photo shoot art director, someone is social planner.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) August 15, 2021
weird flex from an aquarium pic.twitter.com/vpsXGbrGW8
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) August 18, 2021
bars should start doing “sad hour.” drinks are half-price if you come alone and your eyes are red
— trash jones (@jzux) August 17, 2021
got a white noise machine to help me sleep but all it does is say things like "I don't see color" and "I just believe in our personal freedom to wear masks or not"
— jasmine 🍚 (@jasminericegirl) August 19, 2021
if i ever found bigfoot, i wouldn’t tell anyone. i would simply let him vibe.
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) August 16, 2021
Wait when they bury someone with implants is there a point in the decomposition process where there’s just a skeleton with huge boobs
— merritt k (@merrittk) August 18, 2021
“wfh”
— Sammy (@thesammyhannah) August 17, 2021
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“What’s up funny lady?” - guy from high school who is going to pitch me a product from his MLM or kill me
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) August 16, 2021
A male friend told me I should be writing five hours a day on top of my full-time job like he does, and I now have a fair idea of how much of the laundry, cleaning, cooking, and dishes his wife does
— Kate Crane (@cratekane) August 16, 2021
I’m feeling really left out as the only American who didn’t become an expert on Afghanistan in the last 24 hours.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) August 16, 2021
Thinking about how my first ever Tinder date in 2014 ended with the guy texting me that night "I don't see you being someone I could ever love"
— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) August 18, 2021
on one hand i want to live in the middle of nowhere but on the other hand i need to buy a $7 iced oat milk latte every morning
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonnelly) August 15, 2021
I wish my friends had as high standards for themselves as they do for me. They’ll be like “he didn’t buy you flowers for your 3 month anniversary? dump him” & then also say “so my bf just murdered my dog and set my house on fire? Is that a red flag? should we work past it? :/“
— abby govindan (@abbygov) August 18, 2021
You just had to be there pic.twitter.com/ezNXczKWCB
— french toast qween (@_BeeGilly_) August 17, 2021
Let me be CLEAR…..
— Cher (@cher) August 18, 2021
Naw…Let Me Be OPAQUE
the dumbest thing i've ever said? one time greg and I were watching the simpsons and I sincerely asked if homer has lost weight
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 18, 2021
Icarus Oedipus’ mom
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) August 19, 2021
🤝
Too close to the son