The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
candlestick holders are so expensive like I really understand why robbers are always putting them in their bags first
— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) February 8, 2023
chris martin looks like a toddler named Rydyr at a pre-school that costs $50,000 a year pic.twitter.com/pijohbFnDj
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 6, 2023
I’m such a fucking wet wipe. A bloke was just trying to break into my car when I walked back to it and I said “excuse me, sorry, I think that’s my car” 😭
— Slarty Bartfast (@DatCatDer) February 8, 2023
we need a better word for horny that sounds elegant and gorgeous
— Cat Elgarrista (@cat_elg) February 4, 2023
This week in the family group text, I had to tell my parents what “raw dog”means - both literally and figuratively, as my bro casually said he “raw dogged” his flight by not taking meds. Now my parents keep saying they raw dogged stuff. My mom said she “raw dogged 3 births.” 😭
— sex ed is a human right (@ericasmithsexed) February 8, 2023
You don’t know who Bonnie Raitt is but you love Taylor Swift?? Learn your sad girl song history! Bonnie has been making us weep in the middle of a Nordstrom Rack for decades. DECADES!
— Brooke Preston (@bigu) February 6, 2023
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
— chase (@_chase_____) February 6, 2023
It’s shocking how many times a day I think of texting my puppy.
— roxane gay (@rgay) February 9, 2023
I wish the IRS would just take my money instead of tormenting me with their fucked up riddles
— I would prefer not to (lolennui@mstdn.social) (@lolennui) February 7, 2023
i want to go to there pic.twitter.com/8ffha2EsuX
— The Notorious J.O.V. (@whotfisjovana) February 4, 2023
do young people know that Teen Spirit was a deodorant
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) February 4, 2023
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
— Abigail Higgins (@abbyhiggins) February 8, 2023
greenpoint father asked me for my number this morning for “babysitting or a drink.” what in the hbo original series
— one woman cult (@clickholebot) February 9, 2023
The annoying thing about being a woman is you have to wear your makeup every day, or never. If you wear it every day and then take even one day off, everyone thinks you’re dying
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) February 7, 2023
A man on 5B of Delta flight 0689 just clipped his finger nails onto me and this may be my last communication as a free woman.
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) February 6, 2023
Dating profiles are a little like job postings in that if I see a specific one all the time I’m like oh, there must be a lot of turn over in this role
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) February 10, 2023
gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 6, 2023
Motherhood is when your kid asks you very loudly in a very crowded hair salon “mom, what’s a virgin?” And as you’re trying to figure out how to answer that question at all, let alone in public, he then asks just as loudly “are you a virgin?”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) February 8, 2023
get a room omg!!! pic.twitter.com/y3vG8Vj6wK
— kie (@criminalplaza) February 4, 2023
do people who use their car’s bluetooth to take phone calls know the people outside the car can hear every single word lol
— 𝘦𝘮 🧍🏻♀️ (@cooIboobs) February 5, 2023
i be like "omg, i have so much to do" and lay down
— Invis🍒 (@invis4yo) February 5, 2023
Deeply haunted by a study that found human beings are *less than 50% accurate* in determining whether they are being flirted with.
— Elly Bangs (@elly_bangs) February 4, 2023
Dentists be like, “The earliest we can get you in is today at 1 or a Tuesday afternoon 6 months from now.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 7, 2023
Hard to imagine a better first question to ask a Hinge match. pic.twitter.com/ePaobK9r80
— Grace Safarik (@g_safarik) February 4, 2023
Haha cool what the fuck are those products tho pic.twitter.com/QB5ghG3cIB
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) February 10, 2023
omg I saw a real life meet cute at Trader Joe’s. they bumped into each other then made a joke then started shopping together !!!!! a few minutes later I turned down frozens and one of them said “ok where to next” and then they went to snacks!!!!!!!
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) February 7, 2023
can i please just sit on the edge of a crescent moon like once in my life
— alexa (@vamppixiee) February 7, 2023
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