The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious musings of 280 characters or fewer.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
i asked my mom why she never let me eat raw cookie dough when i was a kid and she was like “i wasn’t an affectionate parent so i was worried if you died from salmonella people would think i killed you on purpose”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 14, 2021
Don’t call me “honey” and expect it to soften the fact that you SHRUNK the KIDS
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 15, 2021
Guy in the 1700: this town meeting could have been pamphlet
— Hannah (@hannahposts) July 13, 2021
the night before a move is basically throwing things in the trash that you thought you'd cherish forever with a kind of casual coldness that you did not know you possessed
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) July 13, 2021
This child at the airport is killing me pic.twitter.com/axacS0ElXK
— groucho marxist (@amymarieberger) July 10, 2021
The fact that we call space “space” is so basic. It probably has a real name.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 13, 2021
my best friend’s ex existing? during her bday week? doesn’t seem legal to me honestly
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) July 13, 2021
Google Docs: Last edit was five days ago
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) July 11, 2021
Me: HOW DARE YOU I'M DOING MY BEST
Life hack: When telling a lover you want to break up, introduce it with the word "methinks" so they're happy to let you go.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) July 15, 2021
How Millennials started vs How we're doing pic.twitter.com/D8madzlYdp
— av clark (@annevclark) July 10, 2021
Met my bf the traditional way. Being a whore. 🙏🏾❤️
— LawToya (@ToyaRochelle) July 10, 2021
I hate when ppl email back too quickly. i just ticked that off my todo list, now i gotta add this to the list again
— OLONI BABY (@Oloni) July 12, 2021
I don’t need to date a doctor I’ll settle for a patient I just wanna make out
— Meg Stalter (@megstalter) July 11, 2021
my fav part of watching a nightclub scene in a movie is knowing that it was prob completely silent so they could pick up the main characters’ dialogue and everyone’s just dancing to nothing
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) July 15, 2021
when will we as a society admit the globally accepted ravioli serving size is a JOKE
— monicaheisey (@monicaheisey) July 12, 2021
The rotisserie chicken has a monopoly on food that can be carried as a purse and it’s time some others stepped up. Let me see a cross body baguette or a burger with a damn handle pic.twitter.com/MNoFQDEmuU
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 16, 2021
i cannot be the bigger person i’m literally short .
— gen ⍤ (@genmnz) July 13, 2021
I love baby music because every song has the same message: shut the fuck up
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) July 13, 2021
i am not trying to seduce you, i just have almond shaped eyes and low energy.
— 𝒩𝑜𝓉𝓉𝓎 🧚🏾 (@nottydesignss) July 12, 2021
my toxic trait is that I say ‘no worries’ even when yes worries
— mishti ali 🏳️🌈🇧🇩 (@heresmishti) July 13, 2021
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