The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below, then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
Took me until I was like 30 to understand "operate heavy machinery" meant cars. I thought you weren't supposed to take Xanax and work the line at the cannery.
— Jaya Saxena (@jayasax) March 15, 2022
I love trying to cobble together moments the morning after a party and suddenly remembering like “oh yeah, I banshee screamed and almost sprained my ankle sprinting through the house because Pieces Of Me by Ashlee Simpson came on”
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) March 13, 2022
tom brady faking his retirement to hear all the nice things people have to say about him is big leo energy
— ziwe (@ziwe) March 13, 2022
I just feel like a lot of you are not as afraid of the ocean as you should be. like what is even in there
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) March 15, 2022
(a person dies in a movie) my mom: did he die
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 15, 2022
I’ll never forgive my mother for sending us to school with her wigs on our head pic.twitter.com/wsRCg2T1AB
— TJ (@tnizzlewidaclip) March 17, 2022
ran into a guy i hooked up w and couldn’t remember his name but i remembered his dog’s name so i called him “biscuit’s dad” and he was like “wow you even remember my dog’s name.” ya bitch i ONLY remember your dog’s name.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) March 12, 2022
I’ll never forget, a week after quarantine started, I sneezed in the grocery store and a man two aisles over yelled “AW HELL NAWL”
— nae (@antoinae) March 17, 2022
Me: I really need to cut back on unnecessary spending
— Babs Gray (@BabsGray) March 12, 2022
Also me: This shirt is necessary for my mental health pic.twitter.com/T9p6PRhW5J
Surely there’s an easier way to describe this thing’s size https://t.co/EqiQe8A9tf
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) March 14, 2022
started using this when ppl text me things i want to boo at pic.twitter.com/wP5mDFONk3
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) March 16, 2022
talking to someone in IT about a forgotten password and I’m using words like “okey-dokey” and “lord willing” so they think I’m just an old person and not a technologically incompetent 20-something
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) March 14, 2022
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) March 16, 2022
Tom Brady spent two months with his children and decided he’d rather be hit be 300 pound linemen, and I think that tells me everything I need to know about having kids
— Nikki Rushing (@nikkirushh) March 13, 2022
me: Soup is one of the top five wettest foods of all time
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 15, 2022
my ophthalmologist: please open your eyes
but what kind of documentaries do serial killers watch to fall asleep?
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 14, 2022
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad's gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
— Anne Sundell (@anne_sundell) March 17, 2022
look at this special order i just had to make at work pic.twitter.com/3GDeklgGHc
— greenville, sc tap water fan account (@absinthefather) March 13, 2022
I went on a date and the man PICKED ME UP OFF THE GROUND when he hugged me goodbye. I said “oh…you don’t have to do that” while my feet and arms dangled, swinging limply in the wind…
— Hannah (@McBBQSauce) March 16, 2022
hey sorry i acted weird the other day i was trying so hard to act normal that it backfired
— trash jones (@jzux) March 16, 2022
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