The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
do tennis players know if they hit the ball a little gentler their friend could hit it back and they could play longer
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) March 19, 2023
earlier today i tried to speak spanish to a staffer at the frida kahlo museum and he replied “ok so i love that you’re trying”
— rebecca jennings (@rebexxxxa) March 20, 2023
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 19, 2023
Sorry but they could have made the rat less SAD AND ADORABLE pic.twitter.com/MVjU2M71eF
— sleepiest girl in the whole wide world (@v_dcknz) March 19, 2023
obsessed with working in a coworking space. i just walked past a meeting room where 5 guys were standing around a white board that just had the word “money” written on it. like BUSINESS is happening here. these are DISRUPTERS
— chase (@_chase_____) March 21, 2023
“this cheesecake was made entirely using a 3D printer” yeah…… we can tell pic.twitter.com/iTmlDofyD0
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) March 22, 2023
10 year old me would be extremely disappointed to learn I have to drink fruity little drinks because I can’t shoot whiskey
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) March 21, 2023
what I love about waiting tables is I can tell my worst jokes for the highest reward. I was just asking a table about allergies and one of the guests said “I’m shellfish, he’s gluten” and I said “I’m Daisy” and oh how they LOVED it! “More, more!” they said!
— daisy (@ilovemidssomuch) March 19, 2023
Why is the saddest place on earth the inside of Zara?
— samantha bush (@takeyourzoloft) March 19, 2023
losing my mind at this finnish children's clothing company pics pic.twitter.com/va1wwniRGf
— a reprehensible scourge (@ilikemints) March 18, 2023
When I was in uni I had a serious argument with my Welsh flatmate because I joked about something saying like "that's like saying dragons are real" and she looked me dead in the eye and said "they are"
— Bolu Babalola 🍯&🌶 (@BeeBabs) March 20, 2023
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🏼🏼 always remember this
— becca moore (@becccamoore) March 22, 2023
Thinking of the time I forgot the very famous actress Reese Witherspoon’s last name, choked, and called her Reese Moviespoon
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) March 18, 2023
my favorite part of sweeney todd was when everyone was dead and then all we heard in the theater was girls screaming outside for the jonas brothers across the street
— lizzie milanovich (@lizovich) March 18, 2023
When you tell the Pimp My Ride crew you liked Cinderella https://t.co/vzfgkgHfui
— Darling Mikki (@OkSoMik) March 18, 2023
I have never been as confident as the 8 year old girl who just sat down next to me in a cafe (her mom was in line for a brownie she said) said hello asked what I was doing and proceeded to grab my computer and send a slack to one of my colleagues
— Madison Malone Kircher (@4evrmalone) March 23, 2023
being a kid was all about realizing "wait...my teacher is a 𝓅𝑒𝓇𝓈𝑜𝓃" and now im an adult looking around like a like "wait...my friend who just slammed four white claw surges and doesn't know how to mail a physical letter is a 𝓽𝓮𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓮𝓻"
— meredith (@dietz_meredith) March 22, 2023
oh you love me? name three diseases i think i have
— trash jones (@jzux) March 22, 2023
I hate when one of your airpods steals all the nutrients from the other one in the womb so now it’s like L 87% R 3%
— perfect woman (@didironomy) March 22, 2023
I do not want to be a journalist today I want to be a mouse going to the local cheese cafe pic.twitter.com/y2MYouAnEz
— Susan Gonzalez (@TheNewsan) March 21, 2023
Whenever sex scene discourse flares up I always remember a writer vehemently arguing against a crucial sex scene and exclaiming “I mean, come on! Who has ever even had ‘mind blowing sex’?!!” and everyone just glanced at her quietly. Idk, something to think about.
— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) March 19, 2023
realizing i spoke too much & i wasn’t mysterious like i planned pic.twitter.com/CwG2qiBE7r
— diana🍭 (@dirtyydian) March 20, 2023
trash fire outside grand central this morning and everyone walking by was dumping the dregs of their coffee in to try and put it out. really beautiful completely ineffectual collective effort on a monday morning
— emily (@cicadaxxseason) March 20, 2023
me at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, 6am, 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, 12nn, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm, 6pm, 7pm, 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 11pm, 12mn. pic.twitter.com/AroO5553Vn
— Mona (@RealMona_) March 19, 2023
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with "maybe next time" is wrong.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 21, 2023
I know that now…
I can’t explain but one is an Anne Rice vampire and one is a Stephanie Meyer vampire 😭 https://t.co/qyn23kfPyg
— trishy 🌙 (@mysekushiboo) March 19, 2023
European anti Americanism is soooooo funny, like middle easterners have an actual reason. What are you mad about, the Marshall plan?
— thot choc (@shreyabasu003) March 21, 2023
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
— Just Bianca (@TamudaBianca) March 20, 2023
The Pasta: pic.twitter.com/oV01XxbO1o
Me: I let things go
— Meredith Ireland (@MeredithIreland) March 20, 2023
Also me: gather round children and let me tell you why I still hate U2 for putting an album on my phone against my will a decade ago
i don't know how to say this without sounding overdramatic but i would lay down my life for the pickles family. https://t.co/sybrcDDfUt
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) March 22, 2023
one thing about me is if I have exactly 1.75 drinks i’m gonna send some SILLY texts and I cannot be held responsible for that
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) March 19, 2023
shall i compare thee to a nissan summer sales event
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 21, 2023
Omg. I just saw an Alaskan Malamute. That thing scared the absolute shit out of me. I have never been that close to that large of an animal. Wasn’t doing anything scary, he was just SO BIG it scared me and now I fully understand why people are scared of my tall ass lemme be nicer
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) March 21, 2023
the ‘monk’ theme song stays ON during sex
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) March 19, 2023
my best writing advice is to have a secret project that no one knows about and that you also never work on
— Allegra Hyde (@allegra_hyde) March 22, 2023
Twitter is like the titanic if it took 3+ years to sink and everyone stayed on board trying to think of funny stuff to say about it
— Nori Reed (@realnorireed) March 24, 2023
