The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (May 6-12)

there should be like a second horn on your car for when the light is green and the person in front of you isn't going bc they're on their phone but you're not like mad about it. hi bestie i love you beep beep it's driving time

— cait (@punished_cait) May 9, 2023

sitting in mass figuring out who would get hit if the lights fell pic.twitter.com/Pg9KqR4Csd

— Liz Charboneau (@lizchar) May 6, 2023

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 6, 2023

i did once ask an AI to write a lede for a piece I was struggling on and it came back with "New York, what a town!" so I guess I can pack it in, boys

— rachel syme (@rachsyme) May 9, 2023

My biggest obstacle is that I only like salads when they’re made by other people and cost $16

— Sara Levine (@saralememe) May 10, 2023

beauty/teen magazines in the early 2000s giving makeup advice to girls with brown eyes: and ur gonna wanna carve those lusterless chunks of coal out of ur face with some light brown sparkle shadow !! just to liven things up!

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) May 10, 2023

Every time my mom and her best friend get in a fight her friend posts pictures of my mom when she had a fucked up bowl cut and tags her just to piss her off

— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 7, 2023

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) May 7, 2023

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 8, 2023

on a date and we just went RIGHT to third base (he saw me burst into tears because taylor swift announcer speak now tv)

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) May 6, 2023

Saw a guy on the picket line & not to profile, clocked that he wasn’t a writer. Way too much swag. Turns out, he was an agent, mad that he was the only agent out there with us. I said, “Well, thank you for being here. It’s very cool of you.” He shrugged & said, “I love conflict.”

— Caissie (@Caissie) May 9, 2023

V funny that there’s a whole genre of journalism that’s just “I met this extremely charismatic and persuasive conman and it turns out?? They’re great!”

— Siobhan Thompson, mysterious European heiress (@vornietom) May 7, 2023

They look like the front of a party city costume pack https://t.co/UKjrWXDy1d

— Lisa Snowden (@LisaESnowden) May 8, 2023

I do not trust a seven layer dip recipe if it's from the NYT. No, the recipe must be from an archived mom blog written by a woman in Ohio with six kids who quit blogging in 2014 when she got a divorce.

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) May 7, 2023

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) May 7, 2023

33-year-old Amy Poehler playing 26-year-old Rachel McAdams' mom in "Mean Girls" is the exact dynamic between me and my coworkers at my bartending job

— Kimberly 🧜🏻♀️ Dinaro💲 (@KimberDin) May 9, 2023

a sitcom about a fish family who swap between living in fresh and salt water called ‘brackish’

— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) May 10, 2023

stop normalizing the grind and normalize whatever this is pic.twitter.com/2AJCjb3DqX

— petra ☆ (@yayodiary) May 7, 2023

Ordered a cake from Costco and their system is from the 1800s, you write what you want on a piece of paper & put it in a box then nobody follows up and you just show up and hope they made it? I tried to call to confirm & they were like “if you put it in the box, it will be there”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 11, 2023

i need to know who uber drivers are always on the phone with

— trash jones (@jzux) May 6, 2023