The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below, then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) September 28, 2022
“your package is out for delivery” ok where bc i’ll meet them halfway
— M 🍓 (@babyariees) September 25, 2022
Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks
— Caitlin (@caithuls) September 25, 2022
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
— Holly Ballantine (@HollyBallantine) September 24, 2022
babe wake up they're canceling someone you've never heard of before
— sarah rose etter (@sarahroseetter) September 27, 2022
men will soft launch their gfs by publicly requesting $4.89 from them on venmo
— chase (@_chase_____) September 26, 2022
once you stutter in a heated argument it’s game over
— juju 💰 (@ayeejuju) September 25, 2022
me, *flirting*: would you rather be burned alive or eaten by a shark
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 28, 2022
On a first date, my Bumble match declared, “I have gout.” To which I nodded sagely and, in attempt to make things less weird, said, “Just like Ben Franklin.” Looking back, I have no notes. I did my best.
— Sara Schonfeld (@SaraSchon) September 25, 2022
Isn’t it weird that eyelids aren’t thicker? Like, why the fuck am I seeing all this light if my eyes are closed? These one-ply ass lids
— Really That Girl When You Get to Know Me (@MsMomoManko) September 29, 2022
Because in 1999 people thought the world was going to end https://t.co/hryECSGcku
— Nat Queen Coal 👑 🪨 (@NatashaOladokun) September 24, 2022
My mom made “favorite chicken” for dinner which it’s been called since I was little because it was my favorite and I’m horrified to report just now that it is essentially just breaded chicken
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) September 26, 2022
employer: can u explain this gap in ur resume?
— teryn (@youngtiddy) September 27, 2022
me: yea that’s where i hit ‘Enter’ a bunch of times
Love having ADHD, love having a brain that hides behind a paywall
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) September 26, 2022
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other's eyes
— k 🍪 (@yaitskayy) September 27, 2022
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 29, 2022
some of you need to TRY a GUY named jesus christ
— hot girl midsommar (@verymimi) September 27, 2022
why as a Chipotle worker are you telling the lady at the register I got double chicken
— scarlet (@bbyscar1819) September 25, 2022
ladies, the only way to get OVER your ex is to get UNDER appreciated by a new man
— i can be your long lost pal (@PallaviGunalan) September 26, 2022
watched the live action Pinnochio to see if the fish was still hot & it was pic.twitter.com/Wi1kDX32gU
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) September 29, 2022
Apple pay a little too easy for me lmao I have to remind myself these r real American dollars and not video games coins
— unfriendly black hottie (@glxtterprxncess) September 25, 2022
I do weird shit when I have a crush. Why am I trying to learn how to play dungeons and dragons
— 𝒦𝓎 (@justky1018) September 27, 2022
“thlut era” i whisper, as i pop my retainers in for the night
— 🦇 cella 🦇 (@cellapaz) September 26, 2022
water chestnuts. what’s the story there
— olivia (@oliviuuuuhh) September 25, 2022
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