Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 23 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
as someone who took her husband’s last name, I don’t recommend it. not for feminist reasons, but because sometimes I forget how to spell it
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 14, 2022
My husband’s friend returned the jumper cables he’d borrowed, and my husband set them down on the floor by the front door.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 21, 2022
That was 6 weeks ago and they are now part of our decor.
I'm the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I ate.
— Terri 💙💙🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊 (@TerriB2021) January 13, 2022
My mother in law is visiting us right now and every time my husband leaves the room she starts rapidly telling me embarrassing stories about him in a hushed voice.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 20, 2022
Husband: Mmm…you smell so nice
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) January 12, 2022
Me: Thanks. My hair had static so I rubbed a dryer sheet on my head
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) January 12, 2022
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Wife: What's that noise?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 11, 2022
Me: The house is settling.
Wife: Well that's one thing we have in common.
Guys, I need your help.
— Lonesome Jack (@haysjr_9) January 13, 2022
In the middle of an argument with my wife, she said I'm right.
What the hell do I do next?
husband: you should hang out with my friend’s wife, she’s an introvert like you
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 16, 2022
me: that’s…that’s not how it works
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 20, 2022
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these earthy colored blankets?
My husband told the kids to close the door because “we’re not heating the entire outdoors” and I’m wondering, does the father of the year award arrive in the mail automatically or do we have to apply for it
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 13, 2022
After 13 years of marriage my husband still doesn’t know the difference between the thingamabobber and the whatchamacallit.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 14, 2022
My husband and I are still married because after he loads the dishwasher he calls me over to "optimize" it
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) January 18, 2022
My husband just tried to get me to help him start cleaning by singing about it and I don’t know why it took me 7 years to realize I married Mary Poppins.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 19, 2022
Marriage is basically just repeating the same series of questions over and over again until one of you dies:
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 14, 2022
1. What are you doing?
2. Why are you doing that?
3. Can you please stop?
Let's get married & have kids so we can accuse each other of putting the toilet paper on backwards, when it was actually our child who did it
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 22, 2022
I love my husband but he’s a damned fool if he thinks the correct follow up to “damn that’s a big bug”
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 17, 2022
is
“do you want to see it before i throw it out?”
My husband was playing a video game where his character was biking through snow in a t-shirt and shorts and I complained that he wasn’t wearing more weather-appropriate clothing, so yeah I’m pretty fun to have around.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 16, 2022
After 17 years together my husband still likes to leave me little gifts around the house. Like this morning when he forgot to flush after using the toilet.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 23, 2022
My husband wants a bowling ball for his birthday. I can’t wait to store it with the golf clubs, surfboard, mountain bike, and 12 other things he’s asked me for and never used.
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) January 14, 2022
My wife got low sodium bacon so now I have to wrap it in regular bacon.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 17, 2022
Can’t wait to bond with my wife and tell her that my booster shot is more painful than her labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 15, 2022
I’ve never been in a race car but I have been in a car with my husband when Home Depot called to say his order was ready for pickup.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) January 19, 2022
