Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 28 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband: Where do you want to eat?
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 25, 2022
{5 years later}
Me: Applebee's is fine
Unsolicited marriage advice-
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) January 29, 2022
Support the shit outta your spouse’s rage cleaning.
My husband beat me at Wordle this morning. Please pray for our marriage during this trial.
— Laura Klenda (@KlauraLenda) February 6, 2022
yeah i sleep with a white noise machine ive been married to him for almost 11 years
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 31, 2022
You can either have a good day or your husband can put a bookshelf together, you cannot have both
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 5, 2022
today I discovered my husband still has me in his phone as “Elyssa Brooklyn” which is SO FUNNY because he’s still in my phone as “don’t pick up”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 30, 2022
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 6, 2022
My wife knows exactly where she wants to go for dinner, she's just not telling anyone.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) February 1, 2022
Husband, watching the Olympics: I could totally do that.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 7, 2022
Me: Drive the Zamboni?
My 7yo: If today is Tuesday, then why isn’t tomorrow Threesday?
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 1, 2022
Me:
Me, later to my wife: If today is Tuesday, then why isn’t tomorrow Threesday?
Asked my wife for her help using the stud finder since she clearly had experience finding one before. Unamused. Her: “You can only use that joke once.” … somewhere, another dad chuckles and nods his head.
— John Keim (@john_keim) February 5, 2022
Me: *tells my husband exactly where I’m going and what time I’ll be back*
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) February 4, 2022
My husband: *texting me* Where did you go and what time will you be back?
My wife was going to throw away an old vibrator, so I took it and taped my toothbrush around it.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 31, 2022
For Valentine's Day I'm going to watch and respond to the hundreds of reels my wife has dm'd me over the last 6 months.
— Jess Salomon (@jess_salomon) February 5, 2022
The worst part about gay marriage in my experience is that all of our clothes get mixed together when we do laundry and then it takes me like an hour to dig through everything to find the one outfit I wear every day.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 28, 2022
Man-Cold Diary, Day 3:
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 26, 2022
My wife has decided to remarry.
Since we married, I put all my husband’s hoodies on his side of the closet so I have more room, but he still knows they’re mine.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) February 6, 2022
My air fryer arrives today. I just know this will be thing that saves my marriage.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 2, 2022
Love is forwarding your spouse emails with coupons from their favorite fast food restaurants
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) February 1, 2022
Give her what she really wants this Valentine’s Day - do the dishes and put the kids to bed
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) February 7, 2022
Annoying my husband while watching The Book of Boba Fett:
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) February 6, 2022
Is that furry one a Klingon?
My phone changed grocery list to grocery lust & now my wife thinks we are getting lewd with some food after I return from the store tonight
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 1, 2022
“your husband always retweets you” um yes??? they’re called wedding vows
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 6, 2022
Text to my wife on her birthday
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 25, 2022
Sorry, but do you know where the cake candles are? Oh and act surprised.
Me: *gets a haircut*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 6, 2022
[3 years later]
Wife: Did you get a haircut?
Eye rolling is an art form.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 30, 2022
My wife is Picasso
Our house is a museum.
I am her muse.
Marriage status: Had a heated argument about which of the Property Brothers was which.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2022
Let the record show I lost.
Before You Go
