It might seem like your spouse’s little quirks and annoying habits are somehow unique to your relationship. But when you really boil it down, you’ll start to see that we’re all basically dealing with the same crap, no matter who we’re married to.
Case in point: You and your spouse will, without fail, get into a fight any time you attempt to pack the car together for vacation. A trip to the grocery store would not be complete if your partner didn’t wander off at some point. And your stubborn sweetheart will never, ever concede in your ongoing household thermostat wars.
If any of the above sounds familiar, you’ll no doubt relate to the 30 hilariously spot-on tweets we’ve rounded up below.
I know where I stand by how my wife wears her hair. If it’s down or in a ponytail I’m good. If it’s in a bun, I’m in deep shit.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 6, 2019
When the husband's away, the wife will...— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 17, 2019
Get sick, have a plumbing emergency and have kids sports at two separate places at the same time.
paramedic: sir, I tried “Wife” from your phone and she didn’t pick up— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) June 12, 2019
my husband: *gasping for breath* you have to call twice
I'm not saying I'm a natural romantic, I'm just saying I warn my wife before she goes in the bathroom when necessary.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 4, 2019
My wife is getting her hair done today and I’m just really hoping I can nail my reaction this time.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 21, 2019
My wife pronounces “oyster” so it rhymes with “moisture.” Do with this information what you will— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) July 7, 2019
My husband solves puzzles on Wheel of Fortune so loud and aggressively like he thinks a million dollars is going to shoot out of our television because he solved the puzzle correctly.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 27, 2019
[at the store]— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) June 27, 2019
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Me: The force is strong with this one
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.— Phil (@geowizzacist) June 29, 2019
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Tonight my husband and I swore one of the most solemn vows of our marriage and promised never to throw each other a surprise party.— Alexander Chee (@alexanderchee) July 8, 2019
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 3, 2019
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My wife and I have an agreement that whoever is driving lets the other control the radio, unless she is driving, for which I let her also control the radio.— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 3, 2019
The best thing about marriage is calling someone in the grocery store in a rage to find out what aisle they disappeared to.— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) July 3, 2019
My husband and I don’t flush the toilet at night so we don’t wake each other up with the whooshing sound and that, ladies and gentlemen, is romance after marriage.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 3, 2019
I’m just a man— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 4, 2019
Watching his wife mow the lawn
What exactly I bring to this marriage.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 28, 2019
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Husband: I can’t find my jacket. Have you seen it?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 2, 2019
Me: Have you tried the closet?
Me: Ok, well, that was easy.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) July 5, 2019
*Husband grabs a fruit roll-up from pantry*— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) June 27, 2019
Me: "Put it back. Those are for the kids."
As I watch my husband drive off from the window, I open a fruit roll-up, eat it, and relish in my victory.
I will stubbornly die of hypothermia before I admit to my spouse that yes, maybe I did turn down the air conditioning too far.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) July 2, 2019
My husband has a habit of leaving cupboard doors open, and I have a habit of smacking them shut with the corner of my skull, so I guess you could say we’re perfect for each other.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 29, 2019
My husband’s main job is to interface with the public for me— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 2, 2019
I’ve heard of pre-marriage counseling but I really feel like we should go in for a tune up before we pack this car for vacation.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 23, 2019
Wife: Be the bigger person.— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) June 19, 2019
Me: *Eats another donut
Wife: let's try something new in bed 😉— Quilliam (@nyquills) June 28, 2019
Me: say no more 😏
*we swap sides and fall asleep immediately*
(Morning; bed)— Phil (@geowizzacist) June 27, 2019
Me: Shall I get up?
My wife: *asleep*
Me: Suppose I’ll get up.
My wife: *still asleep*
My wife: Yes please.
My husband is doing dishes at 6am and I don't know whether I should be frightened or welcome this wonderful new alien into my home.— FKA Wonder-Parent (@wonderparent007) July 5, 2019
Me and my husband going out together, without our children, for the first time in months:— Steve (@papa_can_preach) June 22, 2019
Husband: “I feel like we should have a nap..”
Me: “YES, PLEASE, NOW!
You're going to laugh or get mad at me.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 7, 2019
- Me to my husband like all the time.
Me: That’s it. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!— She Writes Good (@GoodSheWrites) June 25, 2019
Husband: We’ve covered this. You can’t sue for pain and suffering every time I eat crunchy food.