Welcome to married life! Watching more than one episode on Netflix without falling asleep now constitutes a date night. Your partner’s once-endearing habits have become nails on a chalkboard. And talking in detail about your recent Costco shopping haul passes for dirty talk.
Fortunately, the husbands and wives of Twitter have found a way to turn the more mundane aspects of marriage into some hilarious and relatable material.
If you’re a married person (and even if you’re not), the 29 tweets below will give you a good laugh.
Me:— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 12, 2019
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up....
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!— the drake gatsby 💊 (@DrakeGatsby) June 20, 2019
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: *chewing*— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 24, 2019
Wife: what did I do to deserve this?
Before you marry, make sure you have some sort of agreement on how well the water in the kitchen sponge needs to be wrung out.— Aunt ‘Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) June 20, 2019
It’s my wife’s birthday so she gets to pick the restaurant, unlike all those other times when... wait for it... she gets to pick the restaurant.— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) June 18, 2019
The wife’s out of town and I’ve gone completely wild. The toilet seat has been up for DAYS.— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) May 29, 2019
Dating: finishing each other’s sentences is so romantic— sophielou (@sophielou) June 15, 2019
Marriage: quit mocking me by finishing my sentences
It’s cute how my husband thought he’d get half the closet.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) June 10, 2019
My husband: “Did you move my... ? Never mind I found it.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 19, 2019
–Repeat every day for our entire marriage.
husband: *mopping up pools of blood from the kitchen floor*— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 12, 2019
me: *walks in* OH MY GOD
husband: babe, I can explain-
me: you’re cleaning 🥰
Marriage is basically a series of emotional pop quizzes.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 20, 2019
*getting ready to go on vacation*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 7, 2019
Me: We’re getting in the car.
My husband: Ok, I just need to take a quick shower & reconfigure the whole sprinkler system.
Do that thing I like...— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 (@DaddyGrownup) June 21, 2019
[Husband adds more cheese]
I told my husband I was sad today. It's not true but when I'm sad he takes me out to dinner. When you've been married for 27+ years you learn a thing or two.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) June 6, 2019
Let’s get married so we can argue about what movie to watch in the background while we stare at our phones— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 23, 2019
My wife: we’re going to relax this vacation and not plan too many activities— Josh Pivots Slowly (@Tryptofantastic) June 18, 2019
Also my wife: today we are going to a palm frond macrame class, followed by bathtub snorkeling for beginners, a how-to-hibatchi course then we have to hurry so we can watch the pineapples grow by sunset
Mornings when my wife can sleep in:— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 20, 2019
Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house]
Mornings when I can sleep in:
Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
The earliest dinner reservations we could get tonight was 9pm and my husband suggested we go get cheeseburgers around 6 to hold us over during this difficult time.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 22, 2019
ME: *thinks something*— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 2, 2019
WIFE: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
My dog and I have this cute bedtime routine where he sleeps in my husband’s spot and I let him.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 15, 2019
No one:— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 13, 2019
Me: My wife buys a lot of throw pillows
For our anniversary, my husband and I decided to be extra romantic, so we are sharing a glass of water to wash down our Excedrin Migraine pills.— Stacey (@skittle624) June 18, 2019
My husband & I like to party & by party I mean turn on Netflix around 8pm & hope to stay awake for a half hour.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 27, 2019
Shout-out to every wife rage-texting her husband while he’s outside shooting the shit with a neighbor and watching through the window to see if he looks at his phone.— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 25, 2019
Wife: babe, do you want the sausage or the bacon biscuit?— [crockett] (@CrockettsBeard) May 31, 2019
Me: I’ll take sausage.
Wife: well that’s the one I’m eating, you had a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 21, 2019
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
While Husband was out of town I took the opportunity to *clean out the refrigerator— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) June 24, 2019
*not grocery shop for 2 weeks
Husband: Oooh, where'd you get this lacy sportsbra?— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) June 24, 2019
Me: *seductively whispers* Costco
H: Ooh what else?
Me: I got you beer and toilet paper too.
H: Shut up and take me now.
And that my friends is married people dirty talk.
If you look very closely at a marriage license, there's a clause saying that the husband shall spend 40% of his time sitting in the car patiently waiting— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 20, 2019