When you’re married, you can be so in love and so annoyed with someone at the exact same time.
Your spouse is your confidant, your biggest cheerleader and your favorite cuddle buddy. Yet every time they breathe too loudly or text you another item for the grocery list as soon as you’ve finished checking out, you die a little inside. Hey, that’s marriage, baby.
Below, we’ve rounded up 32 tweets about married life that are funny because they’re true.
Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019
My husband told his friends we put a Ring camera in the house for safety, but we know this is a lie. He did it so we can see and talk to our dogs when we’re not home.— Stacey (@skittle624) March 5, 2019
[50 years from now]— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 26, 2019
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[Texting]— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) March 2, 2019
Wife: Did I unplug my curlers?
Wife: Ok, thanks
Me: Did I unplug mine?
Me: Have a great day!
This is going to be a LONG marriage if my husband plans to breathe the whole time.— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) February 23, 2019
My wife has this app on her phone that notifies her the second I’ve finished checking out at the grocery store...— fundy (@funderlaw) March 2, 2019
... so she can text and ask me to pick up one more thing...
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t fluff the throw pillows back up when I got up.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 23, 2019
Day 2,098 of marriage: Husband still doesn’t know where the Tupperware lives.— Mummy 🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 2, 2019
If you’re overly competitive about being more tired than someone else, marriage might be for you.— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 4, 2019
Finally ready to take my marriage to the next level and start experimenting with the pressure settings on the Instant Pot.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 23, 2019
My wife sent me to pick up her prescriptions but all she gave me was a list of Ben & Jerry’s flavors.— Aaron🏝 (@IamDadSerious) February 20, 2019
Talking in her sleep my wife asked “so where are you from?” and I’m just so happy her subconscious is meeting new people.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 7, 2019
Me: [puts entire cupcake in mouth]— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 4, 2019
Wife: Did you just put an entire cupcake in your mouth?
Wife: You can’t even say “no” can you?
Me: [slowly shakes head no]
I used to think I was the most optimistic person in our house, until I watched my husband load the dishwasher with cheese and egg encrusted dishes without rinsing, because “we paid good money for this dishwasher and I’m not going to do it’s job for it.”— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 3, 2019
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I've started with myself.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 26, 2019
[breakfast]— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) March 3, 2019
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Marriage is like the cereal aisle. There’s tasty new exciting choices every time you go down it, but you say “I do” to the same box you’ve gotten for the last 15 years.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) March 7, 2019
My husband is watching a YouTube video to figure out how to fix my car so I guess I’m dying today.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 1, 2019
My husband gets a little too excited when he sees me pull out a rubber band or scrunchie from the drawer.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 6, 2019
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
Vacuuming the cracker crumbs off myself before he gets home from work is how I keep my marriage hot.— AmandaPoops (@amanda_poops) February 25, 2019
My husband has been riding with a bag of donation clothes in his trunk for 2 strong months. I think he's trying to break his old record of 5 years.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 1, 2019
My husband just presented me with a coffee, bowed and then backed away without making eye contact. I laughed the whole time but really I was thinking, “How can I make this a daily thing?”— Mummy 🤦🏼♀️ (@ThatMummyLife) March 5, 2019
I’m going out on the town with my wife tonight so we can complain about how tired we are someplace else.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 6, 2019
Me: I got you a little something for the bedroom. Close your eyes.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 22, 2019
Husband: Oh yeah!
Me:*hands over nasal strips*
Wife: You never vacuum.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 28, 2019
Also wife: You never empty the vacuum after you vacuum.
[watching a movie]— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 19, 2019
guy *rips girls shirt*
wife: That's so hot
me *rips her shirt*
wife: Did you just rip my fucking shirt?
WIFE : You're nostalgic.— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) March 5, 2019
ME : I'm not even trying to be a stalgic.
Wife: We are lost— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) February 28, 2019
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
[“guess who” but my wife has replaced all the faces with pictures of john stamos]— Skoog (@Skoogeth) March 7, 2019
wife: does he have immaculate hair and a timeless smile?
me: i don’t think i want to play anymore