Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 26 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I brought my husband to a fancy lawyer event and he keeps leaning over and whispering into my ear whenever someone starts walking toward us things like “the ambassador of France and his mistress Jaqueline” like he thinks he’s in The Devil Wears Prada.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 17, 2021
My husband gets offended when I add steak sauce to a meal he has cooked, but really, when you think about it, it’s more of a burn on me.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 18, 2021
Husband: We need to bring dessert to my mom’s house.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 25, 2021
Me: Why didn’t you tell me?
Husband I’m telling you right now.
Me: We’re sitting in her
driveway!
Petitioner requests dissolution of the marriage based on pic.twitter.com/NFEQ6VMWO2
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 22, 2021
Man-card rule #58: If you splatter food in the microwave, you don’t have to clean it up until your wife notices it.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 23, 2021
Wife: did you steal my thesaurus?
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) November 21, 2021
Me: that's a remarkably pejorative manner in which to insinuate my culpability
I’m so thankful for my husband who is helping me prepare our home for Thanksgiving dinner by blowing leaves off the sidewalk. Eternally blessed.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 25, 2021
Welcome to marriage:
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 21, 2021
You now tell your spouse the store was out of it when you definitely wouldn’t dare tell them you flat out missed it on the list.
Wife: You smell like bacon.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2021
Me: Thanks.
Wife: It wasn't a compliment.
Me: There's literally only one way to take that.
My husband texted me “upstairs, pooping” at the same time I texted him “downstairs, pooping” and I’m pretty sure we just proved wrong everyone who says romance is dead.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) November 22, 2021
I’m considering polygamy so someone else can answer my husband’s questions mid-movie.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 27, 2021
My wife is the more assertive one out of the two of us, so when I have a customer service issue I fire her up and then tell her to calm down and then hand her the phone.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 24, 2021
My husband can’t be trusted with our Amazon account.
— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) November 23, 2021
He just spent thirty bucks on oatmeal.
My husband loves to vacuum so I occasionally throw shit on the floor.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 28, 2021
My husband said he’s taking me somewhere next weekend but won’t tell me where & I just thought I should publicly document this because it sounds like the beginning of a Dateline episode.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 23, 2021
My wife recently described my skin as “soft, like a buttery cloud, with marshmallow trees growing out of it and tiny fairies dancing among the marshmallows” which I take to mean fairly soft.
— 🎄Lilah Sturges 🎄 (@LilahSturges) November 23, 2021
My husband just picked parsley out of my front teeth with his fingernails and I do not remember this in our vows.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 18, 2021
My wife caught me doing the happy dance again this morning after I thought she'd left for work.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 18, 2021
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) November 28, 2021
Therapist- What brings you in today?
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 18, 2021
Me- My husband left the car on 0 miles to empty today so I had to play a fun game of panic attack to the gas station
Therapist- I’ll cancel my other appointments
My superpower is turning into a husband when I get a cold.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 20, 2021
Husband: I got you some reindeer antlers for your car.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 26, 2021
Me: I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t just say that.
My husband has had the same job for 30yrs and I still don't know what he does at work.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 27, 2021
Wife Level: LEGEND
Today on Unsolved Married Mysteries: What is the Name of that Actor with the Hair from that one Movie
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 28, 2021
me: where should we eat dinner tonight
— The Josh Protocol (@TipToeFantastic) November 25, 2021
my wife: idk you choose
me: over the sink it is
My husband told me that if I ever hired a life coach he would be deeply offended because he’s been trying to tell me better ways to do everything for free since we got married.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) November 18, 2021
