Marriage means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. But when you really boil it down, there are some surprisingly universal aspects of married life that husbands and wives know all too well.
For example, you will regularly be tasked with helping your partner find “lost” items — their car keys, the remote, the ketchup, etc. — that aren’t lost at all. One or both of you will routinely fall asleep five minutes into any movie or TV show you try to watch past 9 p.m. And no matter how much you love each other, you will, at some point, find yourself inexplicably perturbed by the way your spouse breathes.
Below, we’ve collected 29 really funny tweets that perfectly encapsulate what it’s like to be married.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 26, 2019
Me: [looking at my wife]— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) January 29, 2019
Me: I’m just in awe of you.
Me: of how strong you are.
Wife: I’m not helping you move your LEGO Hogwarts castle.
Me: but no one can see it down in the basement.
If I say something I think is funny, and my husband doesn’t laugh, I’m instantly mad.— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) January 17, 2019
ME: Do you have to breathe like that?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 29, 2019
HUSBAND: If I want to stay alive.
ME: *sigh* Fine, whatever.
I wear a wedding ring but my husband does not, sometimes I wonder if strangers think I’m having the most miserable affair ever.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) January 26, 2019
me: Have you seen my keys?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
me *finds keys* No
Husband: It’s been 2 days. We have to give her a name.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 25, 2019
Me: For the last time, we are not naming my forehead pimple.
My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019
Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 5, 2019
Me: It’s pronounced quiche.
Wife laying diagonally across the middle of the bed.— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) January 30, 2019
Me: So... I’ll just stand over in the corner.
Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2019
Wife: is that what you’re wearing?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019
Me: I guess not.
64% of being a wife is reminding your husband he needs to eat that food in the fridge before it goes bad.— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 4, 2019
My wife just yelled at me for yawning too loudly.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 30, 2018
Our marriage has officially leveled up.
Me: You know nobody sees our bedroom but us right?— Jeff (@dadsrpeopletoo) January 29, 2019
Wife: (Helping me take 847 decorative throw pillows off the bed)
What brought that up?
Husband: did you really just spend thousands of dollars on a fish tank for a single blowfish— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 2, 2019
Me: David Blowie and I don’t need this kind of negativity in our lives
Letting my wife sleep in this morning so from now on when she’s mad at me I get to say “but I let you sleep in that one morning.”— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 26, 2019
Me: “do that thing I like”— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 2, 2019
Husband: *wipes the peanut butter off the knife before putting it in the sink*
Hey, if you guys are missing anything, don't worry, it'll probably show up in the washing machine after I wash my husband's jeans.— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) February 3, 2019
I insist my husband dirty talks with a Steve Urkel voice.— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 5, 2019
wife *opens First Aid kit*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 23, 2019
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My wife and I divide & conquer when it comes to household chores.— uri5el (@zebrasyndicate) February 5, 2019
She divides the list into small parts and I conquer all those parts.
I was never a trophy wife, but I did get a participation certificate.— jan (@JJSummertime) February 2, 2019
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 1, 2019
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If anyone wants to know what it’s like to be married for over 20 years, my husband just walked out the door & drove away without saying where he’s going & I just shrugged & turned on Netflix.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 20, 2019
Wife: ugh I feel fat— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) February 2, 2019
Me: please take your hands off me
Me, 6pm: *pours Cheerios into bowls*— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) January 28, 2019
Husband: You’re not making dinner?
Me: *pours milk into bowls*
There, the last ingredient. Dinner is made.
If Medusa was married, her husband would pull dead snakes from the drain every day while she continually brought up the one time he left the toilet seat up.— Jeff (@dadsrpeopletoo) February 3, 2019
A DIY repair show only it’s me drenched in sweat failing spectacularly while my wife showers me with scorn.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2019