Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 29 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I always save some vacuuming for when my mother-in-law has already arrived, somehow it doesn’t count unless she actually sees me doing it
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 6, 2021
My wife: Stop eating with that annoying spoon clanking noise!
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 25, 2021
Also my wife: Should I order the large or jumbo woodstock wind chimes
When my wife says "Guess what today is." pic.twitter.com/lZdYpaqRAu
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 8, 2021
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) September 7, 2021
I told my husband if he ever leaves me I’m going to be super mad but I will consider writing him a letter of recommendation for his next marriage.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 8, 2021
Marriage is waking up to an interrogation about why you printed a needed copy of a Verizon bill on “the good paper” that is also the only paper in the office sitting open next to the printer instead of knowing there is “other paper” for printing such things buried in the garage
— Hanging with the raisin girls (@TheHappySlut1) September 9, 2021
My husband, 10 years ago: “Why do you watch this trash TV? I’m never going to.”
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 2, 2021
My husband now: “Did those two go to the Boom-Boom Room yet?”
I married an extrovert, a man who has way more energy than me. When I am tired, he’s ready to keep going, and he’s been pushing me to explore this beautiful new country of ours almost every day.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 28, 2021
Someone please help me.
me: i'll have the sloppy joe
— Bulbasaur is the best starter (@hideymchideface) September 3, 2021
wife: this is a fancy restaurant, idiot
me: apologies, I'll have the uncouth joseph
waiter: excellent choice, sir
He was rare, like a husband who actually does his honey do list without needing help.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) September 8, 2021
Did I ever tell you about how uncomfortable my chair was in my wife’s birthing room?
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) September 8, 2021
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 23, 2021
My husband just tried to buy this dog ice cream for our kids and didn’t believe me that it was actually ice cream for dogs pic.twitter.com/c80uEEPAj4
— Dr. Lindsay Malloy (@LMalloy) September 9, 2021
If you were to carefully study the mow lines in my yard, you can see the exact point in my marriage that I stopped having sex.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 28, 2021
My wife: what are you doing?
— lucy bexley 🛼🐻🪁 (@bexley_lucy) August 23, 2021
Me: it’s called “yoga for when you feel dead inside”
My wife: cool, I’m glad you found something that works for you
Me: Honey, where’s my Von Dutch hat?
— 🍜Store Brand Ramen Noodles🍜©️ (@JoeRegular4) September 9, 2021
Wife: In the trash where it belongs.
Husband: Wow the place looks great! Who’s coming over?
— Andi (@smiles_and_nods) September 3, 2021
Me: The housekeeper.
I did not appreciate my husband referring to my slightly overstuffed lunch bag as a "picnic basket".
— Kat PapaJohns (@KatPapaJohns) August 26, 2021
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
— Marl (@Marlebean) July 21, 2016
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
"HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW"
My husband had the audacity to tell me that Cream of Chardonnay soup isn’t a thing. I can’t even with this guy.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 7, 2021
[tall, tattooed, bearded furnace repairman exits his truck and starts walking toward my front door]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 9, 2021
Wife [looking out window]: oh
Me [opening door]: IT'S OKAY IT'S FIXED I FIXED IT MYSELF YESSIREE BOB I SURE DID SO YOU CAN GO AWAY NOW JUST BILL ME FOR THE VISIT OKAY BYE
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $20 out her purse as a tip for your services.
— sir. laz wamalwa™ 🇰🇪 ❁ (@wamalwaKe) September 9, 2021
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) September 8, 2021
Every argument my wife and I have, regardless of the subject, somehow comes back to the fact that she has pushed babies out of her genitals and I haven’t
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) September 1, 2021
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 7, 2021
Me: *realizes it's his mom's platter but acts angry out of principle*
Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 8, 2021
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
— Stacey (@skittle624) September 9, 2021
My wife, on her deathbed, grabs me by the collar and with her last breath whispers "you're crunching those chips too loudly"
— No Pants Papple 🚫👖🍍 (@pantless_papple) August 29, 2021
Thanks to my husband, without whose help I would have finished making this dinner 2 hours ago.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) September 1, 2021
