Romantic vacations, fun date nights and amazing sex make up only a very small portion of a marriage. The rest is grocery shopping, laundry and trying desperately to drown out the sound of your partner chewing.
But with the right attitude, even the annoying day-to-day antics can be pretty darn amusing. Below, we’ve collected 32 tweets about married life that are as honest as they are hilarious.
I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2018
My father-in-law just gave me his Wi-Fi password.
I'm finally in the family.
Watching the ritual of the wife transferring the contents of the old purse to the new purse. Each item carefully considered. "Is this worthy of the new purse or am I done with this?"
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) May 5, 2018
*Sneezes*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2018
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
It’s pretty fun how we hit our sexual prime about the same time our husbands start tucking their shirts into their cargo shorts
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) May 7, 2018
My wife just asked for help finding something and now I have to walk around this Home Depot pretending I don’t know her.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 13, 2018
[leaving a smash mouth concert]
— phteven (@PhriendlyCody) May 11, 2018
wife: did you really think they'd play "All-Star" for an entire hour?
me: *visibly agitated* i guess not
My husband has started hovering his hand over the horn at red lights and his transition into an old man is now complete.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 10, 2018
Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2018
There's no way I'm taking the blame for something my wife thinks the kids did that I actually did.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 24, 2018
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 30, 2018
My husband got himself a long sleeve swim shirt which will provide him protection from the sun and the ladies.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 22, 2018
Is he even a husband if he's not waiting until thirty minutes before the party to start pressure washing the patio?
— your mom (@eff_yeah_steph) May 5, 2018
Remember When This Hoodie Used To Be Mine: A Marriage Memoir
— Dinosaur Boogers (@DinosaurBoogers) April 19, 2018
Husband: is everything ok?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 30, 2018
Me: [locked in a broom closet with a box of wine and a sheet cake] why do you ask
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that's forever.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) May 10, 2018
Me to my husband: Why don't you ever buy me flowers?
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) May 11, 2018
Me to myself when I see a dude buying flowers: What'd this motherfucker do?
My wife just came into the room and plopped down on the couch with a bag of popcorn to chew loudly and ruin my life.
— Christopher Layton (@LaytesAgain) April 30, 2018
Me: hey Babe, I got you something
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) May 8, 2018
Wife: it better not be that turtle I told you not to buy
Me: that turtle? [covering her ears] her name is Shellanor Roosevelt
New couple:
— The Funtastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) May 9, 2018
“Your voice is so musical”
Married couple:
“Your voice is like a cross between bagpipes and a kazoo”
I’m not sure how my husband makes it anywhere without me in the passenger seat frantically warning him he’s about to get into an accident.
— Ash (@EmberToAsh) April 12, 2018
Sees a couple holding hands, and staring lovingly into each other's eyes.
— Jeff (@EddieHarris216) May 3, 2018
Me: Aww...They're not married.
“Alexa, settle an argument between me and my wife”
— TheAlexNevil, Unfluencer. (@TheAlexNevil) May 14, 2018
*Alexa self-terminates
I pretend I am texting a mistress after dinner because I refuse to admit to my wife that I need a calculator to calculate the tip of a check.
— The Baron (@baronvonbike) January 3, 2018
Only 2,000 more times of asking my wife and I will finally remember where we keep the tape.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 10, 2018
I can tell if I’m in good standing at home by how loudly the pots and pans get put away.
— Dad in Brief™ (@Dad_in_Brief) May 2, 2018
The best part of the weekend is hearing what my wife has planned for me.
— Amish PornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) April 28, 2018
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) June 23, 2017
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady.
Husband told one of the kids to shut the patio door cuz "we're not trying to air condition the whole neighborhood" and a pair of white New Balance sneakers magically grew around his feet
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 4, 2018
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 24, 2018
my puppy is curled up in my lap, snoring softly and occasionally farting, like a tiny husband.
— Gronk’s Mom AKA Chun Li (@_Lazy_Madonna_) April 26, 2018
My husband fixed the shower & is gloating at his efforts like he should be awarded a trophy.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 5, 2018
I birthed your children. I will always win.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 13, 2018
