Marriage is paved with all kinds of hurdles, from major stressors to the petty annoyances of everyday life. So when it comes to the small stuff, sometimes it’s better (and easier) to laugh it off rather than let it stew.
To that end, we’ve gathered 24 tweets about married life that are as relatable as they are funny.
It’s that time of year, arguing with my husband over the ceiling fan speed.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 29, 2018
I like “light breeze.” He prefers “F4 tornado.”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
— Consider John frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) May 18, 2018
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My husband’s out there mansplaining something to his mom, and she has her eyes closed and is obviously taking a little nap, and I envy that.
— 'Tica (@VinoTica) April 29, 2018
Dating: You’re perfect. You can do no wrong.
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) May 6, 2018
Marriage: That is not where the spoons go you idiot
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 12, 2018
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My husband watched an episode without me so Father’s Day is cancelled this year.
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) May 18, 2018
I'm at my most ridiculous when I'm texting my husband to ask if the dogs miss me.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 25, 2018
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 15, 2018
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put the unopened mayonnaise on the canned food shelf of the pantry instead of the condiment shelf.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 27, 2018
Grocery store is giving out wine and beer samples so the wife and I rented a movie on our iPad and are chilling for the night in aisle 18.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) November 4, 2017
ME: I had salmon for lunch
— eric (@ericsshadow) July 27, 2017
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Wife: Do you mind if we have pizza two nights in a row?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 24, 2018
Me: Will you marry me again?
The beauty of being married is that you don’t even have to be in the same room to be irritated by your spouse coughing.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) April 30, 2018
My husband told me we were out of BBQ sauce because he couldn’t find it so I went to the fridge & looked behind the milk & OMG it’s a miracle: we’re not out of BBQ sauce.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 24, 2018
A fun perk of being married to me is how whenever you ask me if I want to hear something funny, I always say “no.”
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 15, 2018
If you are bothered by someone “cooking too loud” marriage might be right for you
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) May 28, 2018
Wife: I love that we finish each other's-
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 9, 2018
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE'S MY
Me: Margarita?
[morning of birthday party]
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 20, 2018
We have plenty of time! Who wants pancakes?
[2 hours later]
*turns to husband* use another plate and die, understood?
Marriage is great if you like hearing "what's for dinner?" right after you eat breakfast.
— Lori (@loribuckmajor) May 7, 2018
Marriage is 83% not knowing the names of anyone your wife is talking about but hoping she doesn’t notice.
— Jurisdoc (@jurisdoc741) May 25, 2018
My wife said she wanted to stop at Target “just to look” and for just a moment I think she believed it herself
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) April 25, 2018
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 18, 2018
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
If you want to eat snacks laying down on the couch with no one commenting about that, marriage is not for you.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) April 15, 2018
Before You Go
