Welcoming a newborn baby into your home comes with big changes ― from new sleep schedules to the endless need for diapers. While the adjustment can be challenging, it can also be a real source of humor.
We’ve rounded up 35 funny tweets from parents about life with a newborn. Enjoy!
Every newborn baby should come with a one-year Costco membership— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 12, 2018
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a "good baby" and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) May 12, 2017
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
Parenting a newborn:— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 24, 2015
50% changing diapers
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math
I’m in such better shape than my 2-month-old baby. He can barely hold his head up. Pathetic.— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 25, 2011
My 7-week-old was so excited about Father's Day that she couldn't stay asleep last night! She's been excited about Father's Day for 7 weeks.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) June 18, 2017
[to newborn baby]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 23, 2016
So you gonna grow some fucken eyebrows or you just not gonna bother?
If I could sum up breastfeeding a newborn in one tweet, I'd probably actually hold that thought, she's hungry again.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 12, 2015
You got $15 to build the perfect newborn:— The Dad (@thedad) April 27, 2018
Sleeps through the night = $500
Doesn’t cry = $1000
Solid poops, no mess = $850
Won’t throw up on you = $200
Looks like a frog = $15
Eats & naps when instructed = $300
Life with a newborn:— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 1, 2018
33% nursing someone who wants to burp
33% burping someone who wants to nurse
"I'm just never gonna stop crying, ok?"— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) June 21, 2016
-my 2 week old son
According to his sleeping face, my three-week-old has finally stopped screaming. But I can still hear him.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 2, 2016
I feel like Clarice.
Lifestyle blogger: In preparation for my first born, today I'm sharing tips on how I plan to stay on top of all the newborn laundry!— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) July 16, 2018
Whenever I see a newborn baby, I realize they have absolutely no clue how many binge-worthy shows they now have to catch up on.— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 14, 2018
[wife breastfeeding newborn]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 10, 2016
Wife: they're not
Me: u dont know, try
Wife: fine [switches to other breast] but they're not different flavours
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*— kim beans (@KimmyMonte) August 12, 2017
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Someone out there please tell me I am not the only mother who nurses her newborn baby while filing the baby's nails at the same time. 🙏🏾— Audra McDonald (@AudraEqualityMc) November 1, 2016
In some languages, the word "newborn" roughly translates to: tiny sleep succubus.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 6, 2017
My three-week-old hates the bottle.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 3, 2016
WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON!
Newborn baby thoughts:— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) September 11, 2016
- Free hat!
- Co-ed nursery? Is that allowed?
- Why so sad, Baby Boy Smith?
- I'm leaking!
- Where'd that thumb go?
I gave up on being the perfect mom when my daughter rolled off the couch when she was a week old.— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) January 16, 2017
911: what's your emergency?— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 25, 2015
2 month old: my mom just sat down.
Always wondered how Desmond from LOST slept in the Hatch when he had to hit the button every 108 minutes...have now found out that having a newborn is exactly the same thing, except diapers replace the button— Joe Caporoso (@JCaporoso) September 20, 2018
Best thing about having a newborn is being able to blame my farts on her, not just the dog.— Matt Kassian (@kassassination) May 5, 2015
5-year-old: The baby won't help clean up the house.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2015
Me: She's a week old.
5-year-old: I know. She's been lazy long enough.
For Valentine's Day, my 2-month-old wants to stay up all night with the people she loves most.— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) February 15, 2015
Me: you gotta stop pandering to him like that— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 12, 2016
Wife [breastfeeding our newborn son]: I'm feeding him
Me: sure, feeding his ego
The thing I appreciate most about newborn babies is that they never eat the donut I want.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 19, 2017
For those wondering what having a newborn baby is like, I just wrote "take a shower" on a list of things I'm hoping to accomplish today.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 15, 2016
You can't really get mad at your newborn baby for screaming for an hour straight when he's basically just voicing your inner monologue.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 28, 2016
Like a newborn baby, I too have an eat/sleep/cry schedule that's set at socially inappropriate intervals— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) May 21, 2017
Just called my 2 month old the neediest motherfucker on the planet, in case you're looking for a reason to call DCS tonight.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 3, 2016
When I see the frazzled parents of a newborn, I tell them, "Don't worry. It gets easier." Then I laugh maniacally for 20 minutes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2013