The holiday season can be a trying time. Parents in particular face the stress of sending out picture-perfect holiday cards, attending school concerts, taking a halfway decent Santa photo, remembering to move that damn Elf on the Shelf, getting all the gift-shopping done and just generally keeping the magic of the season alive for small, impressionable humans.
And of course, you can’t forget the Christmas tree! Picking out the right tree, decorating it, and keeping it upright presents a host of hazards ― and plenty of opportunities for humor when you’ve got kids in the house.
Here are 33 funny tweets about Christmas trees, from moms and dads who have been there.
Putting up the Christmas tree this weekend because life with a toddler isn’t dangerous, messy, and terrifying enough already.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 25, 2017
Anyone know how to get blood off a Christmas tree?— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 10, 2011
How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 15, 2018
1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 1, 2018
Me: I hate putting up the Christmas tree every year.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2017
7-year-old: So why do you take it down?
Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 8, 2013
If you don't have to threaten your kids to help you decorate the Christmas tree, do you really even have teenagers?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 13, 2017
"What about that one?!?!" --my kids, about the ugly-ass pink or blue flocked Christmas tree EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 7, 2013
Wife: I want a real Christmas tree.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) December 5, 2016
Me: They have sap. It'll get everything sticky.
Wife: We have four kids. Everything is already sticky.
I asked my husband if we could put the Christmas tree up today and he said if I was serious he was moving out.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 14, 2018
I’ll let y’all know if I miss him.
INTERVIEWER: what are your qualifications?— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 7, 2018
ME: I managed to fit the entire Christmas tree back into its box
INTERVIEWER: welcome to NASA you're an astronaut now
A strand of lights on my Christmas tree went out this morning and my kids learned five new words.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 6, 2015
“Let’s go get a Christmas tree!”— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 1, 2018
~ A divorce story
To make sure my kids don’t mess with the ornaments this year, my Christmas tree is a 4-foot-tall cactus.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013
I bought our Christmas tree from Rite Aid giving our Christmas the festive smell of cough syrup and vaseline.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 13, 2012
I miss the days when my kids were so young I could tell them that we had invisible Christmas tree.— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 3, 2015
Watching my kids decorate the Christmas tree is just me yelling from the couch, "NO DON'T PUT THAT THERE! Here, let me do it."— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 7, 2017
It's a Christmas miracle. My son just crawled AWAY from my christmas tree instead of towards it with the intent to destroy. Wow.— Tanis Miller (@tanis_eh) December 8, 2009
My husband and I keep tradition alive during the holidays by having our annual Christmas tree argument.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 1, 2015
Sorry I didn't click the like button on the pictures of the Christmas tree you put up today on November 12th.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 13, 2016
I love my Christmas traditions.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 3, 2017
Such as, when we go looking for our Christmas tree, I always take a cup of Baileys with a splash of coffee.
A Christmas tree decorating tutorial, for parents of toddlers:— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) November 27, 2017
Step 1. Open your ornaments.
Step 2. Dump them on the floor along with your pride.
Step 3. Pour yourself a drink.
Me to Bea, age 5, "I'm going to put you on the top of the Christmas Tree."— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 3, 2013
Bea "That would hurt my butt."
Fuck it. That's good enough.— JuneBug (@jenyb4) December 7, 2014
-me, ten minutes into decorating the Christmas tree.
If we don't get this damn Christmas tree today, we're going to end up with ornaments on the dog.— Liz Gumbinner 🌊 (@Mom101) December 12, 2009
My wife asked me to carry our 9-foot Christmas tree up three flights of stairs.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2014
Now I’m Jewish.
Came home to find my son had "flocked" my decorative indoor Christmas tree with flour.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 22, 2014
To make it worse, it looks impressive.
Buying a live Christmas tree is like buying a human with its feet cut off and buying a fake Christmas tree is like buying a mannequin with its feet cut off.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 14, 2017
Oh, just commenting, "your balls are showing" on every single Christmas tree photo on Facebook, what are you up to?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 6, 2015
*silently judges your Christmas tree decorations*— snowjob🔴 (@canadasandra) December 17, 2013
4-year-old: Can I open my presents?— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2018
Me: It's not Christmas.
4: But the Christmas tree is up.
She makes a compelling argument.
[Dec. 27]— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 28, 2014
*walks up to fully decorated Christmas tree*
Nobody likes you anymore. Please leave.