Take your starry-eyed notions about marriage and toss them right out the window.
Seasoned husbands and wives know that married life is less about rose petals and romance and more about Target runs and thermostat wars. Sure, it may not sound sexy, but if you’re doing it with the right person, it can actually be pretty great ― most of the time, anyway.
Below, we’ve compiled 26 relatable tweets that get funnier the longer you’ve been married.
Just got in trouble for using one of the pillows on the couch as a pillow.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 8, 2018
I wish my wife would stop asking me embarrassing questions like “What are you looking for?”
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 9, 2018
Establish dominance by vacuuming in front of the TV where your husband is watching football with all of his friends.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 15, 2018
Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 23, 2018
If your husband unloads the dishwasher and you don’t notice right away, don’t worry, he’ll remind you.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) September 23, 2018
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) September 9, 2018
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: Want to split the last cookie?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2018
Wife: No. *eats it in one bite*
It’s fall. Let the thermostat games begin.
— Housewife Plus (@housewife_plus) September 22, 2018
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) September 25, 2018
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) October 1, 2018
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
— rice krispies (@MommaUnfiltered) September 1, 2018
Husband: Can you be serious for one second?
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 3, 2018
Me, from blanket fort: This is just who I am.
It’s important not to keep score in a marriage. It isn’t healthy and also I would be CRUSHING it.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) September 15, 2018
[searching for keys]
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 25, 2018
*checks purse
*digs through purse
*dumps purse
*violently shakes purse
*retraces steps since birth
*accuses husband of taking them
*accuses dogs of eating them
*accuses toddler of eating them
*cries softly into pocket of old coat
They were in my purse btw
Being married is fun because my husband won't let me hire a handyman because he's going to fix things himself that broke 3 years ago and are still broken
— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) September 14, 2018
Me: I'm starting my diet today
— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) September 26, 2018
Husband: I'm picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan--
Me: I'll take a hundred
My husband is in the kitchen making dinner, using every pot & pan known to man, & I think I’d rather the house burn down than clean up this mess.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 10, 2018
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 13, 2018
Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 2, 2017
Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife - Give us a few minutes
Sometimes I love my husband, and sometimes he leaves wet towels on our bed.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 26, 2018
My wife doesn't think I can fix the door hinge, but I've got some Old Navy carpenter jeans from 2003 that I'm wearing that says otherwise.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 11, 2018
My favorite thing about marriage is having one less drink than my husband and looking down on him the rest of the night.
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) September 13, 2018
Being seductive is unhooking my wife's bra on the first attempt without wearing my readers.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 28, 2018
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I'm averaging 25,438 steps a day.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 27, 2018
Peak marriage is spending all afternoon doing something you hate just to make your partner happy then learning that they hated doing it too.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 10, 2018
[leaving Whole Foods]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 24, 2018
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Before You Go
